Necessary Roughness, Super Bowl Wrap-Up: Boom Boom, Out Go the Lights!
Wasn’t that weird as shit? Football is a game of momentum and it’s probably a good thing the Ravens went on to win or we would never have heard the end of it. As it turned out, the black-out was the best thing in the world that could have happened to me. I had a gig in Indiana on Saturday night and even if all the flights ran smoothly I wasn’t going to get back until well after the halftime show. Not that I gave a shit about Beyonce (she lip-syncs at the inauguration of our President but wouldn’t dare do that at the Super Bowl… and everybody is cool with that… except me. I’m a singer, well, more like a vocalist, and I would never lip-sync, not for our fans OR the President. Beyonce is hot and that’s about it. She’s a corporate construct whose music is shit, and I have no doubt she would have lip-synced the Super Bowl as well if she hadn’t gotten busted. If they want a fucking halftime show let GWAR out there!). Derks was throwing his annual Super Bowl bash and the Richmond tribe was turning out in force to eat, drink, and play over-sized Jenga.
I had started out this season questioning whether or not I even cared about football anymore, and the profusion of nauseating sports stories we have had to endure throughout the season has made it harder than ever. But there was no doubt about it: I don’t care how many assholes are rubbing elk semen all over themselves or going off on homophobic rants — there are liars and idiots everywhere — I refuse to let them ruin my day! I threw back the last of my beer in the Cleveland airport and was getting ready to board just as the kickoff took place. Arriving in Richmond I sprinted to my waiting vehicle and tuned into the game on the trusty AM radio just as the lights went out. Which was probably a good thing for the 49ers as they were behind 28-6 at that point. Somewhere in the engineering plant of the Superdome people were taking shits the size of houses as I peeled out of the Richmond airport parking lot and gunned it to Derks’ crib, where I arrived just as the lights went back on. My Super Bowl Sunday was saved!
TVs were in every room and it was an easy matter to cram my face with food, engage in idle chit-chat, guzzle booze, and watch San Fran’s furious comeback. And they almost pulled it off! But I just couldn’t understand some of the 49ers’ play-calling, especially on the final drive. They had been gouging Baltimore all day with Kaepernick’s running, but when the game was on the line, when only a touchdown would do, they threw repeatedly… and failed. How do you NOT let him take the shot at winning the game with his legs at least ONCE on that last series, especially when you consider that he was not throwing particularly accurately? As it was, the game was pretty much over at that point, and the Ravens came out the winners. Congrats, Baltimore, enjoy your victory, and be proud. Not everybody on your team is a murderer who eats elk semen!
And so another NFL season has come to a close and I’m still a fan. If RG III’s leg heals fast enough, I expect that next year the Skins will be in the thick of it, and maybe they’ll even change that horrible racist name of theirs. Plus their summer training camp is right across the street from the Slave Pit so what am I gonna do, stop liking football? Doubt it! So now begins the arduous wait for next season, and who knows, maybe I will do this again. Thanks for your many contributions to the comments section, both positive and negative. Hopefully we had a little fun around here, and nobody got hurt, like those two dudes who got stomped and stabbed to death. But I digress! I officially shed the mantle of pseudo-sports reporter and am back to the full-time position of rubber monster from outer space. The new GWAR album is gonna kick ass, so better be about it! Have a great 2013, everybody, and try to stay away from the elk semen. Who collects that shit, anyway?