Hipsters Out Of Metal!

Salvage Your Week: New Jamz by Arckanum, F*cking Invincible, Entrails

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Okay look we’re all a little freaked out right now. That’s normal. After all, Jeff Hanneman (Slayer) is gone, Tim Lambesis (As I Lay Dying) sucks at murder, and Allen West (ex-Obituary) has been homebatching meth. None especially surprising, each pretty disheartening.

But hey we’re metal people and as such we boast above-average coping skills. We know how to treat wounds: Rub metal on them! And this fucked-up week calls for the nuclear-grade stuff! Follow these steps to a de-stressed u!

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STEP ONE SWEDISH BLACK METAL, DRIVE SCREAMING

Arckanum‘s new album comes out Tuesday and it rips nastily like barbs of a lonely Gothenberg buckthorn. After your emotions level out, check out the whole thing at Cosmo’s spot; for now, crank “Dólgrinn” (below) and shriek out of your car window while veering wildly!

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STEP TWO AMERICAN RAGECORE, PUNISHMENT SKATEBOARDING

The energy bubbling at the back of your throat has been released (see Step One). Now it’s time to exhaust yourself with no-holds-barred skateboarding, where u disregard your usual comfort zone and relish the many awful bails that result. This part of the healing process is rough, but trust it: The harder u crunch down on your aging, uninsured spine, the faster u will process West’s dementia, Lambesis’ harebrained scheme, and Hanneman’s unforeseen mortality. The soundtrack to your no-fear zone? Fucking Invincible‘s Downtown Is Dead (below) produced by Defeater’s Jay Maas! It’s over quick so go hard brah!

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STEP THREE ENTOMBEDCORE, BONGZ, STARING

Now that mind and body are spent, why not plunk down on your sofa with your budz Lady Bongy and Good Sir Cheetos? This is the cool-down phase of our therapy. So take your time, really let the negative space in your mind swamp lingering anger trails and disgust residue. Your single remaining thought — “What the fuck srsly” — will kinda hum in harmony with new Entrails jamz “Bloodhammer” and “In Pieces” (below) until in its place forms a new mantra — “It’s beyond me fuck it” — and bam u are cured via metal!

 

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