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The Monolith Deathcult Wrote the Funniest Product Description Ever

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The Monolith Deathcult Cult PhotoThe Monolith Deathcult have announced the impending release of a super-duper special edition for-hardcore-fans only box set that includes a whole shit-ton of shit. You can get specifics and place an order here — they’re only making a hundred of these bad boys, so if you want one, you should move your ass.

But even if you’re not a fan of this band, or you are a fan and you’re not gonna buy the box set, you should read the accompanying product description… because it is goddamn hilarious. Here it is in full:

Hand-pressed in a sweat shop by forced child labour. Purchasing this item ensures that one community in an emerging economy will live in a pit of toxic sludge and abject poverty for at least 15 years. Made from 100% unrecycled material from unrenewable sources. Only slighly lethal to aquatic mammals. Do not use as a toy. Observe proper safety instructions when handling. Keep out of reach of children. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Exposure to this box-but-hey-it’s-not-a-box-box set may cause joint pain, nausea, head-ache, or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, and ringing in the cars. If you feel faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while listening to these albums; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. O.K. foods: flounder. Under no circumstances eat yak. Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile vomiting is common in thirty per cent of users-sorry, fifty per cent. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine and raspy breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected; one knee-buckler per day is normal.Severe risk of public anal seepage. Bowel movements may become frequent-in fact, every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or any doctor, or just anyone who will speak to you. You may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would be a good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are among the ten per cent of users who experience “spontaneous test-pilot knowledge.” If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas, and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be taken for a “countdown.” May cause stigmata in Mexicans. If a fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of World Records. May induce a tendency to compulsively repeat the phrase “no can do.”. This bit is stolen from Steve Martin. This box-but-hey-it’s-not-a-box-box set may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop.

“You may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would be a good time to write a screenplay” had me laughing for three solid minutes. Bravo, dudes, bravo! You can write for MetalSucks anytime.

[via No Clean Singing]

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