Necessary Roughness, Week 16: I Eat a Bowl of D**k (Again)
Holy shit! It was another weekend of epic action, broken records, and ugly upsets as we continue our race to the playoffs. But before we get to the action I have a sad announcement to make. Jeff Cantrell, GWAR fan supreme and founder of the “Let GWAR play the Super Bowl Halftime Show” poll unexpectedly passed away last week. By all accounts, Jeff was a great guy, and even if GWAR never gets the gig, a lot of people got the point…that people are sick of the corporate pop crap that the N.F.L. constantly lines up for the Super Bowl and aligns itself with in general. As I sit and write this on a rainy Monday morning we are almost at the 50,000 mark that Jeff was targeting, so let’s get this thing over the top for the big guy, known affectionately by his friends as “Buddha”. I am sure most of you have done so already, but in case you haven’t here’s the link to the poll… get your friends to sign it even if they don’t want to.
Could there be greater torment than being a ‘Skins fan? There is? An ancient torture called “the tub” where the unfortunate victim was placed in a tub, then sealed into it with only the head protruding through the lid. They were fed nothing but milk and honey and were placed in the hot sun. Soon you had a head covered in insects and a tub full of shit and piss that eventually became filled with maggots, which ate you alive. Sounds horrible right? Well, you obviously are not a ‘Skins fan!
Last week I ragged royally on Romo for being a complete choke-artist after the Cowboy’s epic meltdown against the Pack, thereby setting myself up for another complete “eat a bowl of dick” scenario. Romo and the the Cowboys were in D.C. for the ‘Skins last home game of the year, in a season that can only be described as a complete catastrophe. So ‘Skins fans were riled up…this was the best it was gonna get for us, a chance to skewer the hated foe on home turf and possibly damage their playoff hopes. And after another “furious comeback”, the ‘Skins were poised to do just that, until the Cowboys staged a little comeback of their own, driving the length of the field in the games closing moments until they stood upon the very threshold of the Washington end zone…but there the ‘Skins turned back their foe on successive downs. It all came down to a final 4th down where Romo hit DeMarco Murray out of the backfield for the winning TD. Playing through injury and scorn, Romo delivered the goods, all leading up to this steaming bowl of dick sitting in front of me.
As I eat this bowl of dick out of a silver bowl emblazoned with blue stars, I ruminate on why I continue to debase myself rooting for a team whose name I don’t even like. I mean, this shit hurts. After that last TD I was on rolling around on the ground screaming obscenities for at least ten minutes. Nothing else gets me that worked up…well, maybe a Slayer show. But back to the question…why? Just as I was choking down the balls it hit me…because it was fun! I enjoy the intensity of the emotion, even when my team is going down in flames. I embrace the failure as a crucial part of life. How can we possibly learn if we don’t have failure to measure against success? The end of the drama might not be what you want (ever), but damn if it isn’t the best show in town. The ‘Skins fought hard, they were in until the end, and it was a blast to watch. Kudos to Romo and the Cowboys in a win that brought back a certain amount of credibility to the rivalry. Now, I have to get back to this meaty, steamy, blistered bowl of boiling dick.
Congrats to the Peytonator, or Franken-Neck, or whatever you want to call him. Peyton Manning is going to go down in history as one of the greatest QB’s ever, and his gutsy performance against the Houston Texans on Sunday gave him the chance to grab back his single-season TD pass record from Tom Brady, who will also go down in history as one of the greatest QB’s ever, just one that was a complete dick. The Broncos grabbed a 37-13 victory over the Houston Texans in a game that was close until the 4th quarter, and sealed up the AFC West in the process. Speaking of Brady, the Patriots looked good in their 41-7 trouncing of the until recently resurgent Ravens who nose-dived out of a four-game winning streak. The Pats had their division locked up before the game even started thanks to the Miami Dolphins, who got trounced 41-7 by the Cincinnati Bengals. My “dark cat” pick to take it all, the Carolina Panthers, prevailed over the New Orleans Saints, 17-13, clinching a playoff berth, but may have lost star WR and notorious smack-talker Steve Smith to a knee injury. Cam Newtown has never looked better as he led his team to the winning touchdown with less than a minute to play. It was a heart-breaking loss for the Saints and their fans, as they continued to choke on the road and are now dependent on the Arizona Cardinals losing next week to make it to the playoffs. “Who dat?” may have turned into “who was dat?”. But take heart Saints fans, you still have the French Quarter and it’s 24-7 bar scene to drink all of your troubles away!
Speaking of the Arizona Cardinals, they scored the biggest upset of the day by beating the Seattle Seahawks on their home turf, something the last 14 teams that played there couldn’t do. Cardinal’s QB Carson Palmer overcame four INT’s in the 17-10 win. Seattle failed to wrap up the NFC West but can still do it with a victory next week.
There were a ton of other interesting games and story lines I could go on about, but instead I want to talk about the way teams use animals that live nowhere near their city as their mascots. Miami Dolphins? That makes sense as Miami is next to the ocean. Baltimore Ravens? Well, I am not sure if there are Ravens in Baltimore, but Edgar Allen Poe used to live there, and thats good enough for me. But Arizona Cardinals? Detroit Lions? It’s just ridiculous.
Happy Holidays everybody! Lets hear from you… what’s up with your team?