The Webernets

Date Edge, the Dating Website for Straight Edge People, is a Really Real Thing

  • Axl Rosenberg

Internet dating, not unlike metal, has been subcategorized to a ridiculous degree. Despite the fact that most sites already get really specific with regards to searching for a mate who meets all kinds of religious and lifestyle criteria, there are sites catering to specific religions and specific lifestyle criteria, lest you accidentally send a wink to someone who has different values than you do. I totally understand why it works, but I also find it really, really funny.

The latest site to idiot-proof online dating is Date Edge, which, if the name didn’t tip you off, is specifically for straight edge people. Unlike juggaLOVE, this site is totally real; vegan drug-free teetotalers now have a online meeting spot for a variety of attractive caricatures of Stuff You Will Hate‘s readership!

Screen Shot 2014-01-14 at 10.02.52 AMScreen Shot 2014-01-14 at 10.02.14 AMScreen Shot 2014-01-14 at 10.03.13 AMWell THANK CHRIST all of these people included an “x” in their user name, just in case I was STILL confused about the purpose of Date Edge.

When it comes to needlessly explaining the 3,000% self-explanatory, though, this guy has to be the undisputed world champion:

Screen Shot 2014-01-14 at 10.02.38 AM


This fella below seems like a keeper, though. He, too, would like to reassure you that he’s straight edge, but he also doesn’t want you to know what he looks like because if there’s one thing you don’t wanna share on a dating website it’s your looks. As a bonus, he’s so invested in finding someone via this site that he spent zero whole seconds thinking of his user name:

Screen Shot 2014-01-14 at 10.03.22 AM

There are some scene kids on the site, though, who appear to be just the regular amount of cliché and stupid, not extra-super-duper-maximum-strength dumb and boiler plate:

Screen Shot 2014-01-14 at 10.02.46 AM

mandy straight edge
Screen Shot 2014-01-14 at 10.02.20 AM

And then there’s this girl who is obsessed with unicorns:

Screen Shot 2014-01-14 at 10.02.32 AM

So what are you waiting for, three straight edge readers of MetalSucks? Head over to Date Edge and meet that special someone now!

P.S. I just traded my sister to this guy for a bag of weed:

Screen Shot 2014-01-14 at 10.03.40 AMP.P.S. I realize this is the second piece I’ve written today which could be considered “pro-drug,” and that this may lead some of you to worry about me. But chillax, dudes! Like I told all those people at my intervention last week, I so DO NOT have a problem!

[via Metal Insider]

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