Primitive Man/Xaphan 7″: Have You Scared the S**t Outta Your Neighbors Yet Today?
I am a strong believer of headphones, for we are blessed enough to live in an era when we don’t have to make the people around us listen to music they don’t care for, and vice versa.
But I am an even stronger believer in the use of atonal heavy fucking metal played at obnoxious volumes for the purposes of putting equally-obnoxious neighbors in their place. When a young couple recently decided that directly outside my door was the place to have a screaming match, for example, I simply played Portal’s Swarth at top volume, and they were gone in under thirty seconds.
This morning, at 7 a.m., the long-unoccupied business directly adjacent to my window began renovations. The sounds of workers loading equipment in probably would have woken me up regardless, but just to make extra-sure that my morning sucked, my dog began to bark and growl at all the noise, apparently even more troubled by his disrupted sleep than I was.
Of course, these construction workers are just doing their jobs, and they and I are going to have find a way to live in peaceful harmony. But mostly, they are going to have to learn to use their indoor voices when discussing the plumbing next door, and to turn their own shitty work music way, way, WAY the fuck down.
Otherwise, they are going to be hearing a LOT of the new Primitive Man/Xaphan 7″, which is now streaming over at Cvlt Nation.
They are not going to like it, if their constant blaring of Gloria Estefan is any indication. The Primitive Man track on the split, “Ties That Bind and Sever,” sounds more or less like someone locked Godzilla in a recording studio with an angry hornet’s nest. Meanwhile, Xaphan’s contribution, “Cold Surge,” feels more or less like a monstrous speed freak broke into your house, then twisted your neck around and around and around with impossible strength, until it finally popped off, at which point he was able to discard it in order to suck the gushing geyser of blood directly from your severed neck. “Come hear death! Come see death! Bear witness!” goes the elephants marching section. Holy shit, they ain’t kidding.
And even if you don’t have someone you need to scare away via aural warfare, this split is still totally killer, and worthy of your attention. Stream it here. Init records is releasing it, although I’m not clear when, exactly. In any case, you can pre-order it here.
Update: Shortly after writing this article, I did, indeed, blast the Primitive Man track at full volumne, with my speakers turned towards the window for good measure. Their radio was off by the time the song was over. Metal saves the day again!
