Haterade

Sh*tstain on the Ass of the Universe, #27: Chomp Chomp Attack!

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Chomp Chomp Attack!Linkin Park were originally called Hybrid Theory, which, as far too many of you are aware, ended up being the name of the band’s debut album. I have no idea if this true or not, but the rumor for years was that the reason the band changed their named was so that, when stocked in alphabetical order in record stores, they’d be placed right beside Limp Bizkit, another rap-metal band to whose fans Linkin Park might appeal.

I thought of this immediately upon first being told of Montreal’s Chomp Chomp Attack! (the exclamation point is part of their name, not a representation of my own enthusiasm for their work). Although they (obviously) would not be placed besides Attack Attack! in record stores because a) the alphabet doesn’t work like that dummy and b) record stores are basically a thing of the past, it seems wholly plausible to me that Chomp Chomp Attack! chose that name because of its similarities to the former Kings of Crabcore. It makes sense when you think about it; a single word and particular piece of punctuation probably is enough to fool, or at least intrigue, anyone dumb enough to enjoy this drek.

And even if Chomp Chomp Attack! didn’t mean for their moniker to bear a strong resemblance to that of Attack Attack!, the mere existence of the latter band means that no other band can ever use the word “attack” next to an exclamation point. Ever. It’s like the name Adolf. It was probably considered to be a perfectly fine name before Hitler came along, but alas, Hitler did come along, and now the name Adolf is ruined forever. It’s just one of those things.

ANYWAY, this band sucks a bag of used crusty grandma dildos. But if you feel like torturing yourself, you can check out their most recent video below. The narrative is all about how the band disproves this group of haters by defeating them in paintball. I REPEAT: they do not disprove the haters with their music, but  with their paintball abilities. That oughta give you a good sense of where these jamokes’ priorities lie.

Thanks: Shadman R.

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