Metal Mysteries

Courtney Love Solves Jack the Ripper Case, JFK Assassination; Locates Bodies of Amelia Earhart, Jimmy Hoffa

  • Axl Rosenberg

Sherlove Holmes Cracks the Case


Yesterday, Courtney Love outwitted authorities by locating the missing Malaysian Airlines Flight MH370; never one to shy from either a challenge or an opportunity to do some good for society at large, Ms. Love subsequently took it upon herself to to put an end to some of history’s other great unsolved mysteries — and she has already succeeded at her goal!

Yes, it’s true: Courtney Love has identified both Jack the Ripper and the mastermind behind the conspiracy to assassinate President John F. Kennedy! Furthermore, she claims it’s the same person. And although this might seem unlikely, given that the Ripper murders occurred in 1888 and JFK was shot in 1963, Ms. Love was quick to point out that “if the guy was born in 1868, he’d have been twenty when he killed those hookers in London, and only 95 when he snipered JFK” and that “People live to a hundred all the time!”

So who is this insidious culprit? Ms. Love has revealed that it’s none other than Dave Grohl, the former bandmate of her beloved, deceased husband, Kurt Cobain!!! “I’m no expert,” said Ms. Love, “but up close that does look like Dave in these crime scene photos.” Here are the photos in question:

grohl jfkgrohl ripper

When online detractors of Ms. Love pointed out Mr. Grohl wasn’t born until 1969, six years after the Kennedy assassination, and that the above crime scene photo of Jack the Ripper is not a crime scene photo at all, but, rather, just an illustration, Ms. Love retorted, “SHUT UP! You didn’t know Kurt. You don’t know what he wanted.”

And as if Ms. Love hadn’t already done enough good deeds for 2014, she has also located the long-missing bodies of pilot Amelia Earhart and union leader Jimmy Hoffa. Their location? Why, Dave Grohl’s backyard, of course! Once again, Ms. Love presented irrefutable photographic evidence to support her case:


For her next case, Ms. Love has already announced that “I’m gonna [hiccup] — gonna figure out why [hiccup] — why the media is so against [hiccup] — against me!” She said she would begin by investigating Dave Grohl’s ties to all members of the music media.

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