Breaking the Law

Metal Musicians’ Sex Toys Subpoenaed in Legal Cases: A Brief History (NSFW)

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misfits butt plug fightKid Rock made headlines recently when attorneys for woman suing the Insane Clown Posse subpoenaed a glass dildo that was said to be in Rock’s possession. And while it’s easy to see how this sensationalistic story has captured the world’s imagination, it is actually NOT the first time that a hard rock or metal musician has been forced to produce a sex toy in a court of law. Herein, we present a brief history of metal musicians’ sex toys that were subpoenaed for a legal case. We hope you find it educational!

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Case: Ozzy Osbourne v. Ronnie James Dio (1981)

Sex Toy: Sta-Hard Erector Set (known colloquially as a “penis pump”)

Details of the Case: The former Black Sabbath vocalist sued the then-current Black Sabbath for royalties on the Heaven and Hell album, claiming that he had actually helped Dio write lyrics for the record during a coke-fueled bonding session. He alleged that during these intense bouts of creative productivity, he had gifted RJD with one of the many pumps he used to induce erections “so that I can make love to my wife.” The gift was said to be proof of the time the two singers spent together.

Outcome: The infamous urban legend goes that Dio claimed no knowledge of the set, and even dropped trou in the judge’s private chambers to demonstrate that he was shockingly well hung for such a petite man, and that he could achieve a full erection simply by closing his eyes and singing a few bars of Elf’s “Hoochie Coochie Lady,” thereby negating any need for such a tool-enhancing tool. Regardless of whether or not this is true, the case was eventually dismissed.

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Case: Gerri Miller v. Lita Ford (1989)

Sex Toy: 18″ purple plastic double dong

Details of the Case: In this instance, the then-editor-in-chief of the popular Metal Edge magazine was actually suing for possession of the item in question. Miller claimed that she had purchased the toy for a brief Hawaiian “anything goes” vacation with Ford, during which they utilized it to entertain guests at a late night bash held in their hotel suite — but that at some point during the performance, Ford had “gripped tight” and yanked the double dong away from Miller, running off with it. Ford was asked to produce the double dong so that court officials could check the serial number against sales records, thereby determining the actual owner of the object.

Outcome: The serial number demonstrated that the toy had actually been purchased by Pretty Boy Floyd guitarist Kristy “Krash” Majors, to whom it was immediately returned.

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Case: The People v. Kristian Vikernes (a.k.a. “Varg Vikernes”) (1994)

Sex Toy: black leather cock ring

Details of the Case: Vikernes’ defense team claimed that not only had the black metal musician killed his Mayhem bandmate, Øystein Aarseth (a.k.a. “Euronymous”), in self-defense, but that he had actually attempted to use a black leather cock ring as a tourniquet to halt the bleeding and save Aarseth’s life. He claimed that the cock ring in question had been Aarseth’s, and that it was now being held for sentimental value by Aarseth’s mother,  Øprah Aarseth.

Outcome: Mrs. Aarseth claimed to have no knowledge of any such cock ring. Vikernes accused her of taking part in a Jewish conspiracy to ruin the purity of the Norwegian people. The court did not accept Vikernes’ argument, and he was sentenced to twenty-one years in prison, of which he served fourteen.

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Case: Anthrax v. Dan Nelson (2011)

Sex Toy: Fleshlight

Details of the Case: After Nelson was fired from Anthrax, the vocalist sued the band for defamation, claiming that various members of the band falsely stated in “numerous interviews” that he had “abruptly resigned” after getting sick, forcing a cancelation of a tour. As part of his suit, Nelson’s lawyers subpoenaed a fleshlight he was said to have shared with then-guitarist Rob Caggiano backstage at a show just prior to his being let go. “A DNA swab of the artificial vagina in question,” Nelson’s attorney wrote in the suit, “will demonstrate that Mr. Nelson was in perfect health and ready to perform as obligated.”

Outcome: While Caggiano willingly supplied the object in question, it was too clogged with ponytail hairs for lab analysts to obtain any usable DNA samples. The case was eventually settled out of court.

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Case: Glenn Danzig v. Jerry Only (2014)

Sex Toy: Misfits-branded butt plug

Details of the Case: The brick-shoveling vocalist has filed suit against his former Misfits bandmate for allegedly “violating the band’s 1994 merchandising contract by telling retailers he was the sole owner of the band’s trademark logo” since 2000; Only, in turn, has countersued. Danzig has claimed that Only bribed retailers to play along by offering edition butt plugs adorned with the Misfits logo, and has demanded that Only produce one of these plugs for the judge’s examination. 

Outcome: This case is still ongoing.

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