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Ten Signs You’re a Metal Troll


Metal TrollOh, this if fun: Metal Hammer has published an entertaining listicle titled “Ten Signs You’re a Metal Troll” which may as well be called “Ten Signs You’re a MetalSucks Commenter.” Reading the first couple of entries I’m starting to think that I’m actually the metal troll:

1. You devise witheringly satirical, sub-MAD Magazine-style names for bands you don’t like, such as Wimperor, Dummy Burger, Children Of Boredom, Arse Enema, DragonFarce, Manowank, Metallicrap, Cradle Of Shite, Shitewish etc. If you’re truly a Grade A Metal Troll you might even add some of these as entries on

2. You use imaginary, spurious and derisive generic categories for bands you don’t like (or, more likely, for bands you don’t like the look of, especially their hairstyles) and proceed to use them as default criticisms in lieu of argument in forum threads about bands you haven’t really heard. Particular favourite terms might include ‘mallcore’, ‘brocore’ or ‘hipster metal’ – the latter especially useful for describing any bands that have more than 500 likes on Facebook.

Guilty and guilty!

But then the list turns to behavior more typical of our own lovable trolls here at MetalSucks:

3. Your minuscule sense of self-worth is fractionally inflated on being the first person to join a tribute thread to a recently deceased metal legend and call them either a ‘fag’ or a ‘poser’.

Ah, that’s more like it! Read the rest of the list here.

In the spirit of Metal Hammer’s list, here are some other entries I’d add for the hometown crowd here at MS:

4. You create a pseudonym based on a famous metal celebrity and attempt to write in his “style.”

5. You pat yourself on the back for for your supposedly witty “AxFacts” posts.

6. You think Vince is a pedophile for his love of Babymetal.

7. You like to randomly flush things.

8. You comment on MetalSucks articles.

Your turn now… go!

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