Metal Merch

Now Your Penis Can Go Where Dave Mustaine’s Penis Has Been

  • Axl Rosenberg

mustaine cannonballCan the ability to make a really great metal album or a really mediocre hard rock album be passed via the sharing of genital molecules? Well, one lucky Megadeth fan is going to find out the answer, ’cause Dave Mustaine is selling his used swim trunks online. Here’s the product description from Backstage Auctions, where bidding on the trunks will begin at fifty dollars:

“Here is an Affliction swim trunk that was owned and worn by Dave Mustaine. The trunk is a size 34 and has a cool ‘skull’ head accessory attached on the right.

“The trunk is in excellent condition and comes with a certificate of authenticity, signed by Dave Mustaine.”

And here’s a photo of the blessed bathing suit:

mustaine affliction used swimming trunks
I have so many questions about this, it’s hard to know where to begin…

  • Affliction, bruh?
  • Who wants a used pair of swimming trunks?
  • THE Affliction, bruh? Really?
  • Who wants a used pair of swimming trunks for fifty dollars at minimum???
  • Were they free? And even if they were, couldn’t Mustaine have just zipped over to K-Mart and bought a pair of swimming trunks made by literally any other manufacturer in the world besides Ed Hardy?
  • Could Mustaine literally not find anything else he didn’t need anymore to sell? A hat, perhaps, or a pair of jeans, or anything that hasn’t had direct contact with his balls?
  • OMG Affliction!
  • Why is the word “skull” in quotation marks in the product description? Was there serious concern that fans might think the trunks came with an actual skull attached to them?
  • What do you think Dave Ellefson’s waist size is?
  • But… but… you knew Affliction sucks, right?
  • How much does Mustaine want for a used pair of tighty whities?
  • But all kidding aside, bruh, AFFLICTION?!?!

Learn more about this ridiculous auction here. Thanks to the anonymous reader who tipped us off.

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