Green Eggs and Slam

Wat do u think of this year’s WARPED TOUR lineup??

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vans warped tour 2015

As u probably know, Vans Warped Tour is the single most successful package tour of all time, no contest. It is on its 21st year, sells like 500,000 tickets a summer, and has hosted some of teh most popular artists of this generation such as BLINK-182, KATY PERRY, GREEN DAY, and EMINEM as well as legends of punk/hardcore/metal like BLACK DAHLIA MURDER, SKARHEAD, 7 SECONDS and TERROR. By comparison, MDF draws like 800 losers and weirdos out of their moms’ basements for 1 weekend a year to watch fucking VITAL REMAINS and WORMED or whatever lol. Can u say ‘irrelevant’?!

In any case, now that it’s more or less fully announced, let’s talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly of this year’s Warped lineup:

BANDS I AM STOKED FOR

KNUCKLE PUCK
These guys are one of the best of the current crop of ‘pop-punk bands with rly meaninful and sincere and embarrassingly earnest lyrics about being a young adult.’ Yes they are obviously copying what TSSF did 3-4 years ago (or more accurately, copying REAL FRIENDS copying TSSF) but they’re good at it, so I’ll take it.

ATTILA
If u don’t like a band with lyrics like “She fucks me all night long/Then counts my money while I’m on my PlayStation” then idk what to even tell u, maybe go cry urself to sleep and dry ur tears with ur XXXL AMON AMARTH t-shirt??

PALISADES
Lettuce be cereal, this band is a pretty blatant copy of ISSUES and are only like 25% as good. But that’s still pretty good considering that ISSUES are by far the best band of the last 5-7 years, so even one quarter of their greatness is better than most bands will ever be. I really like their sound, I just think they need to work a little more on their actual songwriting– there’s a lot of potential here, they just need some hooks.

BEARTOOTH
In case u aren’t familiar, this band is kind of like a supergroup of the 2000’s Columbus -core scene, featuring Caleb from ATTACK ATTACK on vocals and my homies Oshie & Kam from easycore legends CITY LIGHTS on bass and guitar. They are sick punky hc with amazingly catchy choruses and they’re blowing up fast. Can’t say enough good things about these guys musically or as human beings!

BANDS I AM NOT STOKED FOR

AARON WEST & THE ROARING TWENTIES
If u thought the guy in this video was the surly jerkoff who answers the phones at that tattoo shop in between the vape store and check cashing place, ur wrong. It is actually the singer of the pop-punk band THE WONDER YEARS, and this is his grose ‘americana’ side project– fukking barf. Can they just go back to playing zany easycore songs about Captain Crunch already?!

MEMPHIS MAY FIRE
If ur a stangry metal nerd looking for a new -core band to hate, then look no further than this band! If their terrible music that would have been generic and formulaic in 2009 when metalcore was actually relevant isn’t enough ammo for u, then consider that not only does he have a solo project of awful, phony Christian pop, he also refers to himself as ‘the voice of a generation.’

BRYAN STARS
This kid is a Youtuber who interviews scene bands and always wears that stupid blue Aeropostale hoodie. I kind of hate him, but then I think about how funny it would be to have him interview uptight, humorless metal bands and then I kind of love him.

true life pop punk

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