...And F*ck You Too

Read This Local Band’s Hilarious Craigslist “Add” Seeking New Members

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gigadeadWorld, meet Gigadead. This band from St. Paul, Minnesota currently has but one member, who goes by the name Baron Von Pelton, but was born John Pelton. To date, Pelton’s greatest claim to fame is that he used to be in a band called Kronk with Kevin Idso, who was in a band called Kublai Khan with Greg Handevidt, who was in a band called Megadeth with Dave Mustaine from 1983-1984 but never wrote or recorded anything with them. Or, as the Urban Dictionary definition of the band — which was written by Pelton himself! — puts it:

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Yes, Pelton and Gigadead have been toiling in relative obscurity for a quarter of a century despite being “associated with a Kublai Khan member”  and making groundbreaking, innovative music like this:

But fret not for Gigadead! It’s clear from Pelton’s most two most recent tweets that he is a master of PR who will soon launch his band to the top of the metal world:

It’s amazing how few people think to tweet a link to their Twitter account. After all: how else are your Twitter followers to know where to follow you on Twitter???

Wanna get on board the Gigadead train before it leaves the station? Of course you do! And now you can: Pelton is seeking live members of Gigadead via an ad — or, as he spells it, an “add” — on Craigslist. And it is probably the most wonderful thing you will read today.

Some of my favorite highlights:

  • “[A]ny questions can be directed towards the person leaving this add,” says Pelton, thereby preventing people from directing questions about Gigadead to random people on the street, placers of other ads, or the dude at Starbucks.
  • For applying guitarists, “No guitar, amp or effects are really needed.”
  • For applying vocalists, “Original voices [are] welcome, but no guarantees.”
  • Do you have to miss practice or a gig because your dad died? Well FUCK YOU: “Must ALWAYS have time to show up at practice or a show. I don’t want to hear excuses about job schedules, issues with your family life or any other personal problems.”
  • In fact, you should really only apply for this gig if you’re independently wealthy and looking for a passion project: “I would even go as far as saying you should already be financially stable even before auditioning.”
  • But also keep in mind that it’s a passion project about which you will not be allowed to feel much passion: “Gigadead is NOT a traditional ‘band’. This means after the music is written, it does NOT change, EVER. This music is well produced by people with years of experience in the field, so don’t ask to add anything to it or give your own musical input. If you do, I’ll fire you in two seconds and not look back.”
  • Because gay guys can’t metal: “I prefer ‘nice’ [band members], but not to the point of homoerotic either.”
  • Because bandmates can’t be friends: “I especially don’t want to hear about [your] personal life. I find it to be particularly annoying. Please keep it to yourself.”
  • Pot smokers aren’t allowed, but that doesn’t mean you can’t party: “Drinkers are fine, but *before* practice sessions is preferred.” And to think, some musicians ask their bandmates to get sloshed after practice. Fucking pussies.
  • Speaking of pussies: once a practice session begins, there is no fucking around allowed at all: “Urinate before entering. If you’re drinking a beer, pee in a bucket.” (It’s not clear whether or not the piss bucket will be provided or you’ll have to supply your own.)

You can read the ad here, or via the below screen caps (click to enlarge). Don’t be eating or drinking when you do so, however — I don’t want you to choke while laughing.

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Thanks: Jordan S.

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