Here’s a VV IMPORTANT Update on the State of Robb Flynn’s Bowels
As a professional blogger, I am faced with many very difficult decisions on a daily basis. Some of these include:
- Do I put pants on today or not?
- What kind of cheese do I put in my eggs?
- Do I leave the Mansion at all when it’s cold outside?
- Which of the 30 or so pre-release promos I’m currently sitting on will I listen to next?
- Which publicist’s hopes and dreams will I crush today by denying coverage of the band they’re being paid money to land coverage on my site?
Not on the usual docket: whether or not to cover the comings and goings of Machine Head frontman Robb Flynn’s current bowel issues.
I truly don’t want to be writing about a metal star’s pooping habits. Flynn is a smart man and knows I’ll probably do it anyway, though. Which only makes me not want to do it even more.
But CLICKS. Fucking CLICKS!
And lettuce be cereal, poops and farts will never not be funny:
After contracting a terrible intestinal virus in Mexico and donning adult diapers because THE SHOW MUST GO ON, Mr. Flynn has a very important update for all of us that are closely following his gut health. Warning: HIS DESCRIPTIONS ARE EXTREMELY GRAPHIC! Not recommended if you just ate or are generally squeamish.
Since the last picture of me wearing a men's adult diaper nearly broke the Internet and started a fashion craze around the world, it is with great regret that I must say, it is time to temporarily retire THE MENS DIAPER. Yes, as sad as it may be, after 5 days of non-stop-assquaking that saw me exploding greenish-brown liquid out of my anal cavity with the same pressure as a-thumb-over-a-garden-hose, and resulted in not one, but THREE diarrhea's into a bucket onstage in Bogata during the show, well, thanks to some amazingly strong Carbon Pills it's finally slowed down my "green apple splatters" to the consistency of "Campbell's Chunky Soup". And while my watery-poop-like-friend may be almost gone, it's given my a delightful reminder of it's presence in the shape of a marble-sized hemorrhoid on my left anus-flap that now has a large cut on it and that feels like fire shooting up my ass every time I take a "semi-solid-butt-piss"… Fuck you very much Moctezuma! #thisonesfortheladies #gallstoneanddiapersworldtour #clenchingthecheeksofdissent #ghostswillhauntmybowels #letrrhearingwithashotgunass #istolethesejokesfrommyinstagramfollowers #myinstagramfollowersarefunnyasfuck #ibettergetamancrushmondayforthis #richardchristyisrightdiaperskickass
Rest assured, the battle isn’t over: I’m sure we’ll be hearing about Robb’s new hemorrhoid friend for days to come. Stay tuned!