Green Eggs and Slam

Why u should stop liking metal, comic books, and all ur other dumb interests



As u probably know, I am an inspirational role model to a generation of young men looking 2 escape from the “internet metal nerd” lifestyle. As such, 1 of the most common questions I get from my younger fans who are looking for advice on how 2 grow up is, “Is it ok for me to still be into weird/embarrassing/shameful interests and hobbies such as listening 2 metal, reading comic books, watching anime, or being a semi-ironic pro wrestling fan?”

I used 2 have what u might call an “accommodationist” approach to this situation. I would be like, “Yah man I mean i guess u can still be into that stuff, u just need to hide it from the outside world.” My reasoning was that what a young adult does at home is his own business, and as long as u don’t tell anyone at work that u watch Green Lantern or listen to GHOST, then it’s all good right?

u on a typical Friday nite

WRONG. There are a couple problems here:

  1. U may be able to successfully hide ur weird stupid interests from the outside world, but that doesn’t change the fact that u are the kind of person who is into that stuff. In other words, ur co-workers may not know that u go home, put on NECROPHAGIST, and snuggle up with ur Hatsune Miku body pillow while u watch Monday Night Raw, but that’s what is happening. U are still that guy. Ur still the guy who can tell u all the details of the latest GRAVE reissue but doesn’t know who is playing in the Superbowl, AKA a weirdo who has alienated himself from mainstream society.
  2. Let’s say that u are successfully able to trick some qt normie girl from school/work into coming over for some “Netflix and chill.” Now what??? It is only a matter of time until ur cover is blown. Ur first moment of panic will be when she sees ur “recently watched” items on netflix and it’s all re-issues of VHS horror movies from 1983. She will become uneasy when she notices ur collection of “”graphic novels,”” but the final nail in the coffin is when she expects u to put on some KENDRICK LAMAR and give her the d, but u don’t even know who that is and put on NORMA JEAN. Ladyboner = gone. U = forever alone.

Of course, some ass hole white knight is going to comment about how “comic book and m*tal fans aren’t hurting ne1 why are u so judgemental?”, but that misses the point. They ARE hurting someone: themselves. I am not telling u all of this because I want to make u feel bad, I’m trying to help.

the ultimate outcome of what happens u tell adults that being into childish crap “isn’t hurting anyone”

“Manchild culture,” the phenomenon of grown men being into comics, m*tal, pro wrestling, and other stuff that ur supposed to grow out of by 9th grade, has reached epidemic proportions. I won’t lie, i too struggled with manchildism– when I was 23 years old i had not one but TWO Dreamcasts (including a boxed copy of Seaman), collected Gundams, and listened to DEEDS OF FLESH. and i paid the price for it: my biggest accomplishment in life is that a few people who comment on some stupid metal blog think i am cool :/

My friends, it is time 2 grow up. Stop watching ur japanese mangas NOW. Burn ur m*tal CDs NOW. Tear down ur “”ironic”” WWE posters NOW. Leave ur shameful past behind u and become a grownup. Join us in the promised land– a land without m*tal, superheroes, or pro wrestling.

obama bans anime

Metal Sucks Greatest Hits