Green Eggs and Slam

What should we do to save metal? (Spoiler warning: destroy it)

  • Sergeant D

save metal quote

If ur first reaction 2 this headline is to turn red and start thinking of some butthurt, defensive reply about how “metal is doing just fine thank u very much” and that it “doesnt need saving,” then ur just proving my point: the genre is at risk of suffering the same fate as ska, rockabilly or Real Punk. Don’t get me wrong, I am not predicting that metal is “about 2 die.” Metal will never completely die, it is just dangerously close 2 becoming like the above genres: a cartoonish parody of itself, an ever-smaller subculture of dogmatic outcasts and weirdos who are one small step up the ladder of social hierarchy from furries and civil war re-enacters.

As someone who has probably been listening 2 metal longer than u have been alive, I feel like i must do my part 2 save the genre from this sad fate. With that in mind, here is my simple, 3-step plan to save metal by DESTROYING IT and REBUILDING IT from the ground up:


STEP 1. Put the old guard out to pasture
As I have said before, metal fans are hopelessly stuck in the past, and it is killing the genre. The fact that metal fans cannot seem 2 evolve past about 1995 makes it almost impossible for new bands 2 gain any traction, and as Kevin Lyman said, metal becomes increasingly old, bald, and fat every year.

The usual comeback when i say this is usually something stupid like “ur crazy, there are tons of new metal bands who are doing well like GOJIRA, OPETH, and BEHEMOTH.” Those bands are all 20+ years old u dum-dums! Teh fact of the matter is that there are almost zero new metal bands who actually matter in any kind of “commercial” sense, and it is YOUR fault because u refuse 2 pay attention to anything new.

vinnie paul

Have u ever asked urself “wtf why does MS post irrelevant TMZ crap like this??!” The answer is very simple: because it gets way more traffic than covering up-and-coming new bands

Therefore, step 1 is for YOU to vote with ur clicks and dollars on new bands. U cannot blame Vince and Axl to for writing garbage clickbait about DANZIG, MEGADETH and QUEENSRYCHE when u reward them with clicks and traffic, just like u can’t fault festival promoters for booking the same tired bands as headliners when u reward them by buying tickets.

It is up to YOU to show “teh industry” that u care about new bands by clicking/commenting on articles about them and going to see them when they come thru town instead of throwing ur clicks and dollars at the usual lineup of boring old 80s/90s bands. ‘The Industry’ is simply giving u, the customer, what u want– and what u apparently want is the same old shit repackaged over and over and over again.

Unless u can join me in this crucial first step of putting the old guard out 2 pasture, the genre is doomed. The choice is urs.

save meta

STEP 2: Expand the boundaries of the genre
The root of the problem is that bands are only considered “REAL metal” if they are either old, or sound like an old band. So yes, there are tons of new metal bands, but all of them sound like old bands, and none of them are commercially successful because it is 2015 and nobody gives a shit about ur dumb band that sounds like JUDAS PRIEST meets EXCITER.

The only successful, newer “metal” bands are actually bands who were once written off as “garbage scene bands”: VEIL OF MAYA, BORN OF OSIRIS, CHELSEA GRIN, WHITECHAPEL, SUISIDE SILENSE, THE BLACK DAHLIA MURDER, and so forth. This is a good start, because these bands bring in a new, younger fanbase and that is key to keeping the genre alive.

if u don’t think this is metal, well, idk what to tell u… it’s about 1 zillion times more metal than GHOST or any of the stupid Dave Grohl dadmetal side projects that u ppl fawn over

But we cannot stop here. The next step is to admit the obvious, and start calling AVENGED SEVENFOLD, BLACK VEIL BRIDES, FFDP, BRING ME THE HORIZON and ASKING ALEXANDRIA “metal.” First of all, any normal person already thinks of these bands as metal so u just sound like a pedantic dick when u say otherwise. Second, these bands are fucking huge and can serve as a gateway to “Real Metal” bands. How many kids do u think checked out DEATH because Oli Sykes wears their shirts all the time?

I am not saying that u have to LIKE any of these bands, all u have to do is include them under the umbrella of “metal” for the good of the genre.

pogo we have met the enemy

STEP 3. Stop being fuckheads to everybody
I do not have 2 tell anyone who reads this website how toxic, negative and hostile the culture of “”online metal fandom”” is. Of course the metal fandom does not have a monopoly on being hostile, pedantic fuckheads, but to say that it’s unwelcoming to newcomers would be an understatement. This part is important, because u guys really need to stop alienating kids who could become fans of Real Metal.

Basically, a kid can’t win with u guys. First it’s “stop listening to that horrible scene crap and listen to some REAL metal!!!” and then when the kid does start listening to Real Metal ur all like “hey scene kid u stupid like fuck ur not allowed to listen to REAL metal!!!” With that kind of shitty hostility toward new kids, it is no wonder than ur precious “scene” is about 2 die of old age.


sgt d saves the scene


My friends, the future of metal is in your hands. This is YOUR scene, and u hold its destiny in ur sweaty palms and sausage-like fingers. U can either choose to continue on the path the scene is currently on, which will lead to sad future where the whole scene is like that depressing ANVIL movie, or u can open your mind, stop being such a dick to everyone, and DESTROY METAL only to rebuild a scene that’s healthier and more relevant than ever. It is all up to u… what path will u choose????

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