Suggested Heavy Metal Campaign Songs for the 2016 Republican Presidential Candidates
Presidential candidates, like professional wrestlers, have theme songs that act as entrance and exit music. Because metal is a niche, these songs are generally more mainstream fare (e.g., Bill Clinton used Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop,” George W. Bush used Brooks & Dunn’s “Only in America,” etc.). But we got to thinking: what if the 2016 Republicans running for the highest office in the land were to use metal songs for their campaign music? Which songs would they use??? We’ve got some suggestions…
Donald Trump – Five Finger Death Punch, “Got Your Six”
Since Five Finger Death Punch have been such massive Trump supporters, it only makes sense that The Don would use one of their songs for his campaign. And Mr. Trump knows a thing or two about cross-promotion, surely, he would want to use a single from the band’s most recent album, so that he can help them sell some extra records, and they can give him a shout-out at every show. SYNERGY!
Ben Carson – Megadeth, “Amerikhastan”
An anti-Muslim song by a rabid Christian? Seems like a perfect fit, no?
Carly Fiorina – Blessed by a Broken Heart, “Blood on Your Hands”
Presumably, unless something fairly crazy happens, the Republican nominee is going to end up running against Hillary Clinton. Since Fiorina said that Clinton has “blood on her hands” this past July, this seems like an excellent choice.
Marco Rubio – As I Lay Dying, “An Ocean Between Us”
‘Cause the man loves his water.
Ted Cruz – Mastodon, “Octopus Has No Friends”
And the reason Octopus has no friends is because it bit poor Ted Cruz. Bad Octopus!
Jeb Bush – Malevolent Creation, “They Breed”
Assholes from Florida represent!!!
Chris Christie – Bon Jovi, “Keep the Faith”
Cheeseballs from New Jersey represent!
John Kasich – Dying Fetus, “For Us or Against Us”
Kasich is fervently pro-life and famously short-tempered. What better song to represent these two facets of the man, then?
Mike Huckabee – Stryper, “In God We Trust”
A total dork whose answer for everything is “Jesus”? Did someone say… Stryper?!?
Rand Paul – Hellyeah, “Band of Brothers”
Well, duh.
George Pataki, Jim Gilmore, Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, Lindsey Graham – Unkle Monkey, “Loser” (Horrible Beck Cover)
According to the current polls, there’s about as much of a chance that one of these five folks will win the nomination as there is that Jeff Hanneman will write songs for the new Slayer album. So they all have to share this tune. Sorry, dudes. Better luck in 2020.
