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Friday 5: What Metal Songs Must Prez Candidates Hear ASAP?

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Happy Friday, MetalSucks reader! Welcome to MetalSucks Friday 5, our awesome series that appears every Friday (duh) on MetalSucks (duhh) and involves the quantity of five (duhhh).

Here’s how it works: A list of best/worst/weirdest/whatever five somethings is posted by one of your beloved MetalSucks contributors or by one of our buds (like you!). Then you, our cherished reader, checks it out, has a chuckle, then chimes in with a list of the same. No sweat, just whatever springs to mind, k? (Just like that movie about those losers working at a Chicago record store!) After all, it’s Friday — the day dedicated by the gods to mindless, fun time-wasting. 

Here we go!

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THE FIVE

What five songs should be loudly blasted into the ears of America’s next leaders?

THE LISTER

Anso DF, MetalSucks Senior Editor

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“Home Nucleonics” by Strapping Young Lad
from City (Century Media)

Imagine: You’ve ducked into an alley for a sneaky doob before the doors open at the cinema across the street. You register the sounds of a distant ruckus, when around the corner come the big five candidates for president of the USA. Each is scrambling and sweaty, wearing tons of make-up, and worried. Even mellow you kinks an eyebrow at the sight, these harried speechbots and their many shades of crazy scurrying closer. Spotting you, they take turns shrieking breathlessly: “Our big debate event went totally off the rails!” “It’s a full-scale riot in there.” “So much bloooood.” “The guy with the machete was just the beginning!” “My fellow American, please get us the hell out of here and back to the Four Seasons.” You’re like, ‘My vehicle is right here. Get in.’

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“Curse You All Men” by Emperor
from IX Equilibrium (Candlelight)

The six of you are racing from the scene of the fracas. “A loser like you doesn’t deserve this car” spits the brash one while counting doob ends in your cupholder. You brake-check his face into the dashboard. Rolling down a window, another pleads: “Young citizen, please crank up your stereo. You see, another sound from that dunce and I will surely go mad.” The stern one pipes in, “Do it, burner,” and swats the last two candidates, who continue to cartoonishly choke on a fog of bad perfume. You’re thinking, ‘These dicknoses bailed on the riot and left everybody to fight it out. Classic.’ Your only recourse is to reach for your stereo, press play, and twist the volume knob to “painful.”

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“The One” by Babymetal
from Metal Resistance (earMusic/Sony)

Your vehicle dips into a pothole causing their five heads to bonk against the ceiling, and it occurs to you that, with a half-year to go, the 2016 presidential race has been a stressfest for voters. And here and now the cosmos has served up a chance for a tiny measure of retribution — and has designated you its agent. That’s why, as these five candidates are your captive for a 20-minute race to the safety of their hotel, you opt for songs that discomfit and disturb, and for volume levels that cause brain damage and mute their screams. But hmmm what will stick with them after they exit your car? You scan for an ear worm or two, something catchy to haunt them and grow your taunt in their minds like a tumor. If the song shames them too, that’s just a bonus.

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“Lick It Up” by Kiss

At the second occurrence of the lyric “It ain’t no crime to be good to yourself!” you spot the mega-religious in your rearview mirror and wink lecherously.

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“… And Justice For All” by Metallica
from … And Justice For All (Elektra)

Nearing their destination, you muse loudly above the din of this jam about one candidate’s similarity to a cyanide capsule. In him, his supporters see the asshole boss from their high school job at the discount megastore, the guy whose every word demonstrated cluelessness about the business and about human interaction. It seemed like he could’ve easily unfucked himself, but stubbornness or mental illness ensured his commitment to the role of a wrecking ball. A stealer, a credit-hog, a big fat blowhard, a punisher, a spoiler and meddler. So it makes sense for sub-retards and wealthy Chicken Little-types to appoint him to dismantle a nation that they very conveniently perceive to be doomed. As a bonus, he’s their vessel for abuse of their “oppressors” who put pressure on them to be considerate people.

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Your turn! Have a great wknd!

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