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British Thrash Band Catches Van Driver Masturbating Behind the Wheel

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There are some things I don’t do while driving — consume alcohol or drugs, check my e-mail, the usual behind-the-wheel sins. But while these are activities I leave at home out of principle, masturbating is a pastime I have never even considered taking on the road. Besides the fear that I might get in a terrible crash and have the EMTs find me dead with my doodle out, there’s the lack of erotic stimulation. What am I supposed to do, tug it to a Wendy’s? Oh yeah, you naughty ginger, I have a Baconator all my own. Repulsive.

ANYway, I bring this up because British thrashers Reign of Fury caught a driver far braver than I jerking off behind the wheel during a drive between Ghent and Antwerp in Belgium. The band saw the “wanking driver” and couldn’t believe their eyes, so they made a point of passing him again and getting the Sin of Onan on camera. The Daily Mirror posted the video, which you can see below:

Huh, kind of blurry. I guess I’ll take their word for it, though maybe that’s for the best.

Guitarist Ross McLennan said the following of his experience:

“He seemed happy to be being watched. It’s pretty disgraceful behaviour. He certainly wasn’t giving his full attention to the road so that is dangerous.

“I still can’t process what I saw, it was that horrible. He definitely did not have two hands on the wheel, let’s put it that way.

“We couldn’t believe it so we went back past him again and this time filmed it.

“We were all flabbergasted and shocked to be honest. He wasn’t even in the slow lane – he was in the middle lane.

“And unbelievably, he was actually driving OK. He was clearly capable of doing both things at the same time.”

Now, look, as I said, I would never go so far as to pummel the dolphin in a moving vehicle. But what matters is, he was driving safely. If you can somehow abuse yourself in front of God and all your dead relatives while still staying in the center of your lane, then good for you. Enjoy your drive, you grody bastard.

Anyway, we hope the dudes in Reign of Fury can wipe this horrid memory from their minds. And if you’re a driving masturbator, remember — there are touring thrash metal bands out there, they have cameras in their phones, and they will sell videos of you frantically jackin’ it to the tabloids. You’ve been warned.

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