Shit, I Forgot to Get Danzig a Birthday Present


Dude, what’s today’s date? June 23rd, right? Man, I don’t know, I just feel like there’s something I’m forgetting. Let’s see, June 23rd, what could it be, what could it…

Ah, shit, it’s Danzig’s birthday. Did you get him something? Yeah, me neither. Ah, shit.

Man, this is classic me. Every year, I tell myself, Rhombus, you’re going to remember Danzig’s birthday this time. It’s the day before yours, and that dude has given you so many years of great music. And then I totally blow it and forget. It’s in the summer, so I’m so caught up in whatever thrash and death metal album is blowing up at the time, so I never think about spooky eroticism until Halloween’s coming up and I’m far enough past it that it’s almost an insult to get him anything at this point.

What about the editors, did they get him anything? What’d Vince get him? Motorcycle gloves studded with wolves’ teeth? Shit, that’s pretty good, wish I’d thought of that. What about Axl? Shit, that Florian Bertmer Paradise Lost poster. Shit, these guys thought ahead. They keep Danzig in their hearts all year round. God dammit.

Hey, Axl, can I get in on your card? Like can it be from the both of us? Oh, come on, dude, help me out. Fine. No, fine, I’ll figure it out.

It’s not like I didn’t think about it! Man, even earlier this year, I saw this bronze model of a succubus skeletonized from the waist down, and I thought, You gotta get this for Danzig, he’ll love it, and this time you’ll show that you remembered his birthday. But then I started watching videos of zoo animals getting pissed off, and I got distracted, and now here I am phoning it in again. Man, I’m a shitty friend, or listener, or whatever.

Maybe I could get him something, like, tongue-in-cheek, and ironic. Like, what if I got him some French onion soup? I could just stop by the Albertsons and–no, because it’d be funny, because remember when…no, no, you’re right. The dude is not a funny gift kind of guy, Portlandia or no. I’m just making excuses.

You know what, I’m going to own this. I’m going to post something on his Facebook, and then I’ll get him something today or tomorrow, and I’ll bring it to him at Riot Fest. I mean, he might have me beat up, but hey, it’s the thought that counts.

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