Scumfuck Martin Shkreli Promises to Release Unheard Nirvana Music… if Trump is Elected President

  • Axl Rosenberg

I feel like people don’t appreciate Martin Shkreli enough. Everyone always harps on how he’s the epitome of corporate greed, but no one ever stops to admire him as a scientific marvel: he is proof that excrement can walk and talk and appear to be human. He’s like Mr. Hankey, only not as cute! Basically every time he does anything that appears to be something only Homo sapiens and not waste from an anus should be able to do, we should all be like, “WOW! THAT’S AMAZING!” I mean, I bet your crap was never the CEO of a massive pharmaceutical company.

Following that line of thought: we should all be in total awe that Shkreli made the below offer on Twitter. Not because Shkreli assumed that most voters would value unheard rock and hip-hop music over the well-being of the United States and the world at large, but just because he managed to tweet at all! One-hundred-and-forty characters must leave his keyboard filthy.

Shkreli then further poopified his computer by running a live stream in which he was listening to some previously-unreleased Beatles music, I guess to prove to the world that he really has that music. But, again, it was hard for me to take anything away from the demonstration beyond, “Wow! Feces can work a live stream AND appreciates The Beatles!”

In other news, MetalSucks has received the following statement from the ghosts of John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, and Ol’ Dirty Bastard:

“We sincerely hope the living people of Earth take a cue from Keyser Soze and just destroy the thing they love rather than give into the petty desires of a blackmailer.

“Also, how amazing is it that a piece of shit has mastered the concept of blackmail?”

Amazing, indeed, fellas. Amazing indeed.

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