Paul Waggoner Destroys Troll


Ah yes. Paul Waggoner. The “Who won that bawl game” guy. One of my favorite guitar players. Before I was shredding Metalsucks I used to read the btbam message board. It was a very special place with no moderators and pictures of dicks everywhere. Shit was weird. Every once in a while someone from the band would come in to talk about Music, but their was one problem. Trolls. Straight up DildoSchwaggins everywhere. One day a man decided to say something along the lines of ‘Mr Waggoner, your tone sucks!’ He was shortly completely verbalized by the legend himself, and I’m happy to share his words. I hope this is a lesson. It’s fun to troll Phantasytour, but trolling musicians definitely makes you a total dick.

“you know, it’s this kind of shit that deters me from ever reading this board, much less posting on it. and to tell you the truth, if i had it my way this board would be taken down seeing as how only about 3 and a half percent of the posts read as anything other than mindless incoherent teenage drivel. i wouldn’t have even seen the post by this ryanfelix character unless dennis pointed it out to me. at first i was actually amused by the fact that this kid uses an internet message board to critique a band’s guitar tone. i was going to just read it, chuckle, and go on about my day but then i felt compelled to post something. and believe me it’s not out of anger. i could care less what this kid thinks about my guitar tone. and i feel pretty confident in saying that dustie and i could probably play circles around him with our hands tied to our dicks. but the real reason i wanted to post, was basically to offer all of you some friendly advice: stop living on message boards. i can promise you that won’t learn anything useful about guitar playing or acquiring quality tone from your amp by clicking on a message board post. i recommend you stop diddling your balls in front of your dad’s dell and go out and get your hands dirty. play all kinds of guitars, through all kinds of amps, with all kinds of different eq settings. learn how to play. start a band. play some shows. figure out what you like and leave it at that. there is no need to go to a band’s forum and act like you are the tone god of metal by telling that very band that their tone sucks. it IS rude. have some fucking decency man. i wouldn’t knock on your door and tell your mom her vagina stinks. it’s just not the cool thing to do. you are lucky we are nice dudes. if you pulled that shit on a hatebreed forum you’d have your block knocked off at the next show. i can tell you that never in my life have i even considered going to a band’s website and cyber-heckling them. it’s rude, immature and counter-productive. and the irony of all ironies is that you had the audacity to call US dorks, yet you are the one sitting around in your piss stained boxers pecking away at a keyboard embedded with cheeto crumbs dating back to the mid 90’s, typing pointless shit on a message board. so anyway, to all the kids who appreciate what we do and use this board for its intended purpose, thanks for the love. we work harder at this than you could ever imagine and you all make it worthwhile. to the haters, learn to be better people and maybe you’ll pick up a few guitar tips along the way. unless you want to celebrate your 30th birthday in your mom’s basement watching 25 second-long porno clips… if that’s the case, keep on posting useless bullshit on message boards… you’re on the right track” – Paul

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