Bible Thumpin’ Conspiracy Theorist Suggests James Hetfield Helped Kill Chris Cornell, Inadvertently Creates the Comedy Event of the Year

  • Axl Rosenberg

There’s a group of morons on the Internet who believe that Chris Cornell was murdered because of course there is. These people are so dumb that they repeatedly purport to offer “irrefutable evidence” that Cornell’s suicide was staged and then promptly demonstrate that they don’t know what “irrefutable evidence” is. Generally, MetalSucks has steered clear of giving these craven dimwits any of the attention they so clearly desire…

…but I just saw this video on Metal Injection and it’s so goddamn funny I feel compelled to share it. The dummy who made this is like Alex Jones without the charisma. Like most conspiracy theorists, he’s convinced that the conspirators are constantly announcing themselves with certain hand signs or items of clothing, despite the fact that this would be the single stupidest thing any conspirator could possibly do. Real conspirators are not the fucking Riddler. They don’t leave a trail of breadcrumbs, because that’s how you get busted.

Naturally, though, the most offensive part of the video is all the God bullshit. Apparently, Metallica are part of  a subliminal movement to “normalize” homosexuality, and James Hetfield and Dave Mustaine used to be lovers.

Oddly enough, I kinda wish that last part was true.

Here, have some yuks:

Show Comments
Metal Sucks Greatest Hits