Jeff Loomis’s Hair: An Inquiry


This is a callout post on Vince Neilstein and Jeff Loomis’s shit.


Vince is adamant that Jeff Loomis has the best hair in metal. He concedes mine is great, but that Jeff still reigns supreme. I disagree. While Jeff’s cataract of beautiful blond hair looks silky smooth and soft as a lamb, mine has all the volume and the natural golden highlights, baby. Jeff’s hair is more black metal, mine is more thrash. Jeff’s is the embodiment of golden light, mine is the manifestation of a dying forest. Mine is also longer than Jeff’s by a few inches. Yes, this is a dick measuring contest.


As anybody with long hair will also admit, I have a fascination with understanding people’s hair care routines. Seeing as Jeff’s is so long and appears without a tangle in sight — a feat I have never achieved, ever — it must require a lot of work. Like a shit ton. I need to know what he does to keep it so soft, so shiny, and so free and so clear. I have prepared a list of questions that I will spend the rest of my life faithfully trying to answer in hopes of uncovering the truth.

How long does he have to brush it for every day?
How much hair is left on that brush after every session?
How long exactly is his hair?
How the fuck do you wear that shit down?
Do you think he’ll ever cut it?
How long does he have to shower for? I spend like a good twenty minutes in the shower on my hair alone, for comparison.
How much more water do people with long hair consume on average compared to a person with short hair?
How much damage are people with long hair causing to the environment?
What kind of shampoo and conditioner does he use?
Does he ever sit on his hair?
Does it get in the way when he plays?
What does his dad think?

These are truly the questions that we must all be asking ourselves in light of these allegations. Let the hair war begin.

On a side note, I want to personally apologize to every person I have hit with my wet, sweaty hair as I windmill at shows. I’m sorry. You deserve better. I’m not going to stop, but I want you to know I’m sorry that it happens.

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