Metal Legacies

Kill ‘Em All Turns 35, Wonders If It’s Wasting Its Life


Kill ‘Em All Turns 35, Wonders If It’s Wasting Its Life

July 25, 2018

Dear Diary,

Well, it’s here once again: my birthday. This year isn’t just any birthday, though. It’s my 35th birthday. That might not seem like a big deal, Diary, but it definitely is. My thirties are half over, and 40 is coming up fast! And what do I have to show for it?

Oh, sure, people like me well enough. I’ve gone platinum three times. I know I should be proud of that. I know I shouldn’t be jealous that so many of my younger siblings sold so many more copies than I did even though I was here first. But Re-Load is also 3x platinum, and Load is 5! LOAD! And I’m sorry to speak ill of my siblings, Diary, but let’s be real: I’M SO MUCH BETTER THAN THOSE ALBUMS!!! Hell, even St. Anger went platinum twice. Can you imagine the humiliation I’ll suffer if St. fucking Anger ever outsells me?!?!

Honestly, Diary, I just feel disrespected in general. I mean, I get it. I’m the oldest. I was the “practice child” my parents made all their mistakes on so they wouldn’t fuck up again on any other kids (although, AHEM, I’d like to say again, Diary, that I think I turned out much better than a LOT of my siblings). But doesn’t the fact that I was the first born mean I’m owed a certain amount of reverence? Isn’t there something to be said for how well I’ve aged? I mean, I know I’m no Master of Puppets or anything, but surely I’m at least as good as Metallica?

And why does everyone hold it against me that I’m one-quarter Mustaine? Ride the Lighting is a Megadeth half-sibling too, y’know! But I’M the only one where people say I was the band “still finding their sound.” It’s fucking bullshit and I hate it.

I know these are First World problems, Diary. I just can’t help but remember how popular I was when I was a kid. I thought my life would be so much different. I thought I was gonna rule the world forever.


Well, I guess I’ll go do something useful, Diary, like make out a will. Happy birthday to me.


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