Kill ‘Em All Turns 35, Wonders If It’s Wasting Its Life
July 25, 2018
Well, it’s here once again: my birthday. This year isn’t just any birthday, though. It’s my 35th birthday. That might not seem like a big deal, Diary, but it definitely is. My thirties are half over, and 40 is coming up fast! And what do I have to show for it?
Oh, sure, people like me well enough. I’ve gone platinum three times. I know I should be proud of that. I know I shouldn’t be jealous that so many of my younger siblings sold so many more copies than I did even though I was here first. But Re-Load is also 3x platinum, and Load is 5! LOAD! And I’m sorry to speak ill of my siblings, Diary, but let’s be real: I’M SO MUCH BETTER THAN THOSE ALBUMS!!! Hell, even St. Anger went platinum twice. Can you imagine the humiliation I’ll suffer if St. fucking Anger ever outsells me?!?!
Honestly, Diary, I just feel disrespected in general. I mean, I get it. I’m the oldest. I was the “practice child” my parents made all their mistakes on so they wouldn’t fuck up again on any other kids (although, AHEM, I’d like to say again, Diary, that I think I turned out much better than a LOT of my siblings). But doesn’t the fact that I was the first born mean I’m owed a certain amount of reverence? Isn’t there something to be said for how well I’ve aged? I mean, I know I’m no Master of Puppets or anything, but surely I’m at least as good as Metallica?
And why does everyone hold it against me that I’m one-quarter Mustaine? Ride the Lighting is a Megadeth half-sibling too, y’know! But I’M the only one where people say I was the band “still finding their sound.” It’s fucking bullshit and I hate it.
I know these are First World problems, Diary. I just can’t help but remember how popular I was when I was a kid. I thought my life would be so much different. I thought I was gonna rule the world forever.
Well, I guess I’ll go do something useful, Diary, like make out a will. Happy birthday to me.