Thor’s New Music Video Will Make You Glad You’re Not Thor


Once upon a time, there was a Canadian bodybuilder named Jon Mikl Thor. He looked like this:

Thor decided to start a metal band, in which he’d be the singer, and call it ‘Thor.’ They sounded like this:

Amazingly, even the 1980s, a decade based almost solely on horrible decisions, wanted little-to-nothing to do with Thor. The band enjoyed some minor success in Canada and the UK, stayed mostly dormant during the ’90s, and then revved up again in the aughts, when they became one of those bands whose name you see in Blabbermouth headlines but you don’t really know.

Which brings us to today. Now Jon Mikl Thor looks like this:

I’m not 100% positive, but I think those muscles may be fake. I dunno.

Regardless, now Thor sounds like this:

On the one hand, you have to applaud Thor’s consistency: he has been making terrible music and embarrassingly-awful videos for more than four decades.

On the other hand, this is one of those times when you really have to wonder how many people signed off on something because they simply didn’t have the heart to tell their boss that that something was a punchline waiting to happen.

And as aggravating as life can be, times like these make me grateful for everything I have… not least of all the friends who never let me make any mistake stupider than starting a career as an obnoxious, bridge-burning metal blogger.

On the off chance that you actually enjoyed “Warped 5000” and want to hear more, you should know that the song will appear on Thor’s new album, Hammer of Justice. And when, pray tell, does Hammer of Justice come out? Don’t ask the press release:

“For Immediate Release

“Heavy Metal Icon THOR Releases New Album HAMMER OF JUSTICE, Announces Major North American Tour!

“The CD will come with a bonus DVD featuring a new documentary film ‘The Return Of The Thunderhawk’

“Los Angeles, CA – The god of heavy metal thunder, THOR, wields his mighty hammer once again, unleashing a storm of killer metal riffs and thundering rhythms on his epic new album, ‘Hammer of Justice’! The amazing fan reception of 2017’s ‘Beyond The Pain Barrier’ as well as the surprisingly delightful holiday themed album ‘Christmas In Valhalla’ caused THOR to team up with the young group of stellar musicians who brought those albums to life including guitarist John Leibel, rhythm guitarist Matt McNallie and bassist Ted Jedlicki along with drummer Tom Croxton. In addition, the metal giant also called upon past associates Frank Meyer (The Streetwalkin’ Cheetahs) and Kevin Stuart Swain (Idle Eyes) to round out the album’s sound. The result is a devastating blast of traditional, old school metal punched up with modern flourishes to appeal to THOR fans young and old!

“The CD version will be accompanied by a very special DVD with a full-length documentary film called ‘The Return Of The Thunderhawk,’ which picks up where the award-winning documentary ‘I Am Thor’ left off. The film follows THOR on an epic US and European tour in 2016 following the band’s ups and downs but always anchored by the group’s riveting live performances.

“But since there is no substitute for the real thing, THOR will once again be launching a massive tour across North America starting in March. This tour will feature a very special 2 day event in Toronto, dubbed ‘TWO DAYS OF THOR,’ which will include a screening at the Royal Cinema of ‘The Return Of The Thunderhawk’ immediately followed by a Q&A. Then Day 2 features a live concert at The Rockpile at which THOR will be presented with the key to the city for his contribution to the Toronto music scene and the city itself!”

In that publicist’s defense, I wouldn’t actually want to be responsible for telling anyone when this album is coming out, either.

But here are all of those live dates, because fair is fair, or so people keep telling me:

April 12th Portland, OR – Rose City
April 19th Seattle, WA – The Highline, (Live concert/CD Listening party/“The Return of the Thunderhawk” screening)
April 20th Vancouver, BC – Another Perfect Day Festival, SBC Concert Venue
April 21st Victoria, BC – Logans
April 25th Los Angeles, CA – Whisky a Go Go (Album Release & Tour Launch Concert)
April 27th Sacramento, CA – The Blue Lamp
April 28th Las Vegas, NV – Evel Pie
April 29th Phoenix, AZ – The Rebel Lounge
April 30th Fort Collins, CO – Gorehound’s Playground Theater (screening of “The Return of the Thunderhawk”)
May 1st Denver, CO – Streets of London
May 2nd Cleveland, OH – Winchester Music Tavern
May 3rd Chicago, IL – Livewire Lounge
May 4th Minneapolis, MN – Lee’s Liquor Lounge
May 5th Brooklyn, NY – St. Vitus (“Return of the Thunderhawk” screened prior to show)
May 6th Baltimore, MD – The Metro Gallery
May 7th Philadelphia, PA – PhilaMOCA
May 8th Raleigh, NC, The Pour House Music Hall
June 12th TWO DAYS OF THOR Toronto, ON – The Royal Cinema, Canadian World Premiere “Return of The Thunderhawk” THOR to be presented with Key to the City
June 13th, Toronto, ON – Rockpile West
June 14th, Montreal, Quebec – Piranha Bar
June 15th, Ottawa, ON – Brass Monkey (“Return of the Thunderhawk” screened prior to show)
June 16th, Quebec City, Quebec – Les Source de la Martiniere

Metal Sucks Greatest Hits