Heavy Metal Postponed Due to Coronavirus

  • Axl Rosenberg

As a result of ongoing concerns regarding the spread of the coronavirus, Heavy Metal music and culture have been postponed until further notice, the entire genre announced Tuesday.

Said Metal at a press conference held early this morning:

“For the foreseeable future, there will be no Heavy Metal of any kind — no trad metal, no thrash, no death metal, no power metal, no black metal, no doom metal, no stoner metal, no prog metal, no glam metal, no nu-metal, no rap metal, no folk metal, no pagan metal, no civilized metal, no pirate metal, no Christian metal, no alt-metal, no industrial, no grindcore, no hardcore, no mathcore, no metalcore, no deathcore, no Sumeriancore, no powerviolence, no pornogrind, no post-metal, no metal made by artificial intelligence, no shredding, no blast beats, no breakdowns, no Cookie Monster vocals, no falsettos, and… fuck it, y’know what? Let’s just go ahead and call off anything using an electric or acoustic guitar to be safe.”

Lest there be any doubt that Heavy Metal is deadly serious about public health and safety, millions of metal fans around the world woke up today to find their tattoos had disappeared, their ear gauges and septum piercings had closed up, and their vests had grown sleeves and sloughed off all patches.

MetalSucks will continue to stay abreast of the situation as it develops. In the meantime, you can watch video from Metal’s press conference earlier today below.

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