Misadventures in Heavy Metalling

Beavis and Butt-Head Starring Odin and Thor: The Infatuation with Freya Begins

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Illustration by Matt Smith

[SCENE—Valaskjálf, a great hall roofed in pure silver located in Asgard, the home of the gods. Shields and spears adorn the walls and majestic tapestries hang from the rafters. The interior of the room is sparsely furnished; a single, extravagantly-carved wooden throne sits near the middle of the room. Opposite the throne is a wooden television stand upon which rests a 72” high-definition flatscreen television.

ODIN is seated on the throne, which allows anyone who sits upon it to view anyone else anywhere in the world at anytime. He wears a t-shirt sporting the logo of an obscure Swedish death metal band and a pair of worn-out, old gym shorts. A raven perches upon each of his shoulders, their talons tangled in his long, flowing gray hair. Snack food crumbs are scattered in his gray beard. He stares intently at the television with his single eye as the sound of running water emanates from its speakers.]

ODIN: Huh huh. Huh huh. This is cool. Huh huh. 

[A door at the far end of the room opens and THOR enters wearing a faded Led Zeppelin “Hammer of the Gods” t-shirt, an old pair of gym shorts, and a cape. He has bright red hair and a bright, bushy red beard.]

THOR: Heh heh. Hey Odin, check out this new cape I got. Heh heh. It’s awesome. 

ODIN: Shut up, dude! I’m trying to watch this chick, like, take a shower. Huh huh. Huh huh. 

[Thor grabs the sides of his cape and stretches them outward from his body as he walks towards Odin’s throne while making swooshing noises with his mouth.]

THOR: Heh heh. Check it out, dude, I’m, like, flying. 

ODIN: Shut up, dude! I said this chick is taking a shower. Huh huh.

THOR [standing next to Odin’s ornate throne, facing the television]: Whoa! Is that Freyja? She’s hot, dude. Heh heh. I like her breasts. Heh heh.

ODIN: Huh huh. You said breasts. Huh huh. 

THOR: Yeah, yeah! Breasts! Heh heh. Heh hmm hmm.

ODIN: Huh huh. Breasts are cool. Huh huh huh.

THOR: Heh heh heh.

ODIN: Huh huh huh.

THOR: Heh heh. Heh heh.

ODIN: Huh huh. Huh. 

THOR: Heh. Hmm hmm. Hhhmmmmmmmmmmm.

ODIN: Huh huh huh. Breasts rule. Huh huh.

THOR: Heh heh.

[The sound of flowing water stops emanating from the television, resulting in a moment’s silence that is only broken by the ominous squawk of one of ODIN’s ravens as it shits on his shoulder.]

ODIN: Hey, look, she’s, like, getting out of the shower and putting clothes on and stuff. Huh huh.

THOR: That sucks! Heh heh. Look at all those cats roaming around her bathroom floor. Heh. Heh heh.

ODIN: Huh huh. I’d like to be one of her pussycats. I’d let her stroke me. Huh huh.

THOR [lifts his hands upwards, bending his elbows at a ninety-degree angle, and shakes his fists furiously]: Yeah, yeah! If I was a pussycat, I’d let her stroke me as hard as she wants. Heh heh hmm. Heh hmmm hhmmmm mmmmmmmm heh heh heh hmm.

ODIN: Yeah. Huh huh. You know what we should do, Thor?

THOR: Uh, what, Odin?

ODIN: Huh huh. We should invite her to Asgard and see if she wants to score with us. Huh huh huh. 

THOR: Uh, but what if she, like, doesn’t want to score with us? 

ODIN: Of course she’ll want to score with us. Huh huh. We’re gods. Chicks dig gods. Huh. 

THOR: Uh, but you’re, like, a wrinkly old man who has, like, only one eye.

ODIN: Shut up, dude! I’m, like, a total one-eyed warrior, huh huh. Chicks dig one-eyed warriors. 

THOR: Heh heh. Yeah but, like, she lives far away in Vanaheim and stuff.

ODIN: So? Huh huh. She can, like, turn into a falcon and fly here. Huh huh.

THOR: Yeah, yeah! Falcons are cool. Heh heh. 

ODIN: Huh huh. Eagles are, like, totally better. Huh huh huh.

THOR: Yeah, yeah! Eagles! Yeah! I want to fly like an eagle into the future where, you know, eagles dare and stuff. Heh heh hmmm heh. 

ODIN: Huh huh. Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Thor? 

THOR: Heh heh. Yeah. Heh heh. 

[ODIN and THOR each form the sign of the horns with one hand, lift it above their respective heads, and begin to head bang while simultaneously vocalizing the main melody of Iron Maiden’s “Where Eagles Dare.”]

Follow Rowdy Geirsson on TwitterHis new book, new book, Norse Mythology for Bostonians, is out now.

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