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Unvaccinated Skillet Singer: “I Got Zero Poops for ‘The Science'”

  • Axl Rosenberg

Look, I don’t think anyone expects the brain that thought to name its band after a cooking utensil to be grade-A prime beef. Despite this — or perhaps because of it? — the ongoing right wing ramblings of Skillet’s John Cooper continue to be thoroughly irritating. Like, listening to his B.S. makes my skin itch. It’s probably the way Cooper would feel if some snarky elitist East Coast Jew went through his recent statements and called him a schmuck a bunch of times.

Cooper, who has previously come out as anti-mask and pro-Trump and remains proudly unvaccinated, has a podcast, which he calls Cooper Stuff (again, naming things is not this man’s forté). And on a recent episode, he went on a rant about how vaccine mandates are allegedly despotic (a running theme with anti-vaxx dummies):

 “All that’s going on here is an insane power grab.”

Aaaannnddd you lost me.

HOW? How is this a power grab? You think Joe Biden is giddy over making it marginally more difficult for you to go to the movies or enjoy indoor dining at a restaurant? You think he’s sitting in the Oval Office, twirling some imaginary mustache, going “BWA-HA-HA! I will keep millions of Americans from being eligible to go to Six Flags!!!”?

“This is just an attack on Western values…”

Always be immediately suspicious of anyone who uses the terms “Western values” and/or “Judeo-Christian values” (which Cooper tacked on later in the episode, saying “What is happening is a revolution against the West, against American values. But, really, what is at the bottom of that is Christianity.”) They are not your friend. This is Tucker Carlson-level insidiousness.

“…on freedom…”

I don’t understand why the “public health concern” issue is so over the right’s head. Your freedom to be a dipshit is limited by your dipshittery’s ability to harm other people. This is like arguing that the government not allowing you to keep a bomb is impinging on your freedom. Actually, no, it’s dumber than that — it’s like arguing that the government not allowing you to keep a bomb over which you have no control whatsoever is impinging on your freedom.

“…on the things that built the West…”

There’s that word again! I’d love to hear what someone descended from slaves thinks of the “freedom built the West” assertion.

“…that’s all that’s going on about this because when you look at the data, when you look at the stuff being said, it is such absolute nonsense, it is such absolute lies, it is such bullying tactics and tyranny and totalitarianism…”

Dear God, if You’re real like John Cooper says You are, please send him to go live under a totalitarian regime for a year so that he might understand how insulting it is for him to misuse the word. Someplace hard for him to get ahold of his favorite eyeliner. Maybe North Korea? Or, actually, Belarus might be better, because the population is predominantly white, so Cooper will see them as “Western.” Whatever. You’re God. You’ll figure it out.

Also, I know nothing of the “absolute lies” of which Cooper speaks… but I do know of the absolute lies told by his favorite former President.

“…that you can’t help but to ask questions.”

Questions like, “Were John Cooper’s parents cousins?”

“Even if you believe that vaccines are good, you have to look at what’s going on and say, ‘Okay, there’s something really nefarious going on.’”

There is something nefarious going on — an aspiring autocrat said a bunch of stupid shit, and now a lot of other dumb people are willing to let other humans die to prove that stupid shit wasn’t stupid, which will prove to be an impossible task, because it is stupid. You fucking poor man’s Michael Sweet.

But Cooper, ever the showman, saved his real humdinger for last:

“‘The science’ means nothing to me. I got zero poops for ‘the science,’ ’cause they don’t even believe what they’re saying. It’s not about data for these people; it’s about religious dogma.”

Don’t worry John, no one hears a 46-year-old man say “zero poops” and thinks “I bet that guy has a real passion for science.”

Also… religious dogma? Really, dude? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

Anyway. Someone gimme a call if Cooper does end up in North Korea. It will mean I have a lot of lost time in Church to make up for.

You can listen to more of Cooper’s idiocy here.

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