Enlarge "Phil Towle killed the band's dignity in the studio with his mouth."

Metallica Make Clue Now

  • Axl Rosenberg

Ten years ago, Hasbro released a Metallica-themed edition of Monopoly, which was just regular Monopoly but with different game pieces and property names. It came with a price tag nearly double that of classic Monopoly, because that’s how licensing works.

I’ve never actually met anyone who bought Metallica Monopoly, but it must’ve been successful, because now Hasbro are re-teaming with the band for a licensed version of Clue.

Presumably because the group didn’t wanna sell fans a product based around one of them being murdered, Metalliclue‘s story will revolve around theft instead of homicide. From the band’s official online merch store:

“Picture this: The band and crew are back at HQ to record Metallica’s next album, but with all the excitement, a key piece of equipment has gone missing! As the hours tick by, the group grows more and more eager to begin. They decide to split up and scour the building for any trace of their missing equipment. Find out WHAT piece has gone missing, WHERE it’s hiding, and WHO finds it so the recording session can get back on track!”

So I guess this game takes place in a world where Lars Ulrich can’t just snap his fingers and have thirty-five replacements for the stolen gear delivered immediately. Or maybe the gear has sentimental value. I dunno. It’s a fucking board game. I’m clearly overthinking this.

Something else I’m overthinking: because Clue requires six characters and there are only four members of Metallica — dubbed Papa Het, Duder, Mr. Ripper, and Dr. Groove for the game — two completely random dudes have been added into the mix. One is “The Engineer,” who I assume is an engineer, and the other is “Col. William,” who… uh… I have no fucking idea who he’s supposed to be. Their manager? Metallica’s real managers are named Cliff Burnstein and Peter Mensch, but calling a character “Col. Cliff” would probably make people think of Cliff Burton. I dunno why “Col. Peter” was ruled out.

For that matter, I don’t know why they didn’t use Scary Guy. I understand not wanting to include Burton in a game that calls to mind violent death, and I understand not wanting to include Jason Newsted because then it’s almost like you must include Cliff Burton because otherwise you’re calling so much attention to his exclusion, but… give us SOMETHING that actually has to do with Metallica, y’know?

The final thing I’m overthinking: the “gear” game pieces, which stand in here for the murder weapon found in the original iteration. They’re mostly obvious (a guitar, a bass, a drum, a mic) and in one case (a computer) lame. But one piece is a wah pedal, which is hilarious. Good for whoever fought to have that included.

You can purchase the game here for fifty bucks, a mere forty dollars more than Clue classic. Which I’d actually pay if there was any chance the solution to the mystery would be “Phil Towle killed the band’s dignity in the studio with his mouth.”

But there’s not, so I won’t.

To coincide with two 40th anniversary shows, Metallica recently announced a series of events in their hometown, dubbed “the Metallica San Francisco Takeover.” Learn more here.

Metallica also recently launched their own master class on Master Class. So you can’t say these fellas are resting on their laurels.

Upcoming Metallica Live Dates
12/17/21 — San Francisco, CA — Chase Center [fan club only]
12/19/21 — San Francisco, CA — Chase Center [fan club only]
6/15/22 – Copenhell – Copenhagen, Denmark [tickets]
6/17/22 – Firenze Rocks – Florence, Italy [tickets]
6/19/22 – Prague Rocks – Prague, Czech Republic [tickets]
6/22/22 – Rock Werchter – Werchter, Belgium [tickets]
7/1/22 – Mad Cool – Madrid, Spain [tickets]
7/6/22 – NOS Alive – Lisbon, Portugal [tickets]

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