“There were nine of them, but only four of them of them were really important.”

“Come play with us, Tommy… forever… and ever… and ever…”

Schaffer pulled a can bear spray on me and said “We’re calling this album The Glorious Burden.” I saluted and said “Aye aye captain.”

I’ll let you in on a secret: originally, this whole album was going to be about daytime television.

This guy shat himself a lot.

Includes Metallica, AC/DC, Corey Taylor, and more.

“They made a music video with a completely unmotivated use of a mostly-naked babe holding a huge gun. They know that ‘T and A’ should stand for ‘Treasure and Assets.'”

“After about two hours of conversation, it became apparent that Ivan Moody was under the impression a capitalist is someone like David Draiman, who uses the caps lock on his keyboard all the time.”

“Metallica had a ‘Load’,” Dave Mustaine pouted, folding his arms and sticking out his lower lip. “I want a ‘Load,’ too.”

“Glenn made me promise that I’d make sure none of it sounded ‘fruity.'”

When a toddler recommends a metal band, you listen.

The record only sold a dozen copies, but it’s revered by Brooklyn’s population of carpenters and baristas.

The band’s “vision” was to make something that sounded like Nine Inch Nails crossed with Sonic Youth crossed with The Pixies crossed with Live crossed with Stabbing Westward crossed with Oasis, “but punk.”

Some people thought Slayer were done, but Kerry “Ker Bear” King wasn’t worried.

Every sound on the record is either made by a computer or filtered through a computer or edited via a computer or recorded, filtered, and edited by a computer.

They told me it was some kind of joke. I didn’t get it.

We hit the slopes and recorded the whole album in fifteen minutes.

I told them I’d produce the album for twice my regular fee. They agreed immediately and sent a private Concorde to pick me up because it was faster than driving twenty minutes to Axl’s mansion.

Kirk called me in tears. “Mommy and daddy are fighting,” he said. “Don’t worry, kid,” I told him. “I’ll be on the next plane.”