Ask Anton OyVey

ASK ANTON OYVEY

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And now it’s time for another edition of “Ask Anton Oyvey,” in which the MetalSucks rebbi answers all your toughest questions…

“Dear Wisdomful Great One,

“So i’m only 16. Where i live u get ur license at 18. I got two bitches after me – one is a complete babe, the other has a car and can drive me the fuck around. Do I…
a) Pick the babe
b) Pick the driver
c) Pick both.

“My heart tells me the babe, my brain tells me the driver, and my dick says both.

May your wisdom guide us all
DV”

Wow, with your great grammar skills, I’m surprised you don’t have three or more women after you! As a true metalhead and spiritual advisor, I’ll have to refer to a passage from the great book…that would be Motley Crue’s autobiography, The Dirt (I would hope your high school has that on their required reading list. If not, you should drop out now.).

In the final chapter (not referring to Deuteronomy), the great Vince Neil (not Vince Neilstein) doth say “What everybody always loved Mötley Crüe for was being a fucking decadent band: for being able to walk in a room and inhale all the alcohol, girls, pills, and trouble in sight. I suppose a happy ending would be to say that we have learned our lesson and that it’s wrong. But fuck that.”

If you can actually read that, you will see that the correct answer to your original question is “D.” Pick both, then pick all the other women you can, then quit your band, then go on The Surreal Life, then get plastic surgery. Bitches will love you!

“Anton,

“I write a science blog. While writing about male fertility, I discovered a study that showed that Asian men have smaller testicles than American men. “Big Balls” by AC/DC immediately popped into my head. Is this appropriate? What if the men were uncircumcised? Should that matter?

Rock Dad”

At first, I was going to ask the lord to strike you down with one of the plagues (probably locusts) for spending your time writing about male fertility rather than performing it, but then I clicked on your blog and saw “tags” such as Finntroll, Dragonforce and even Jethro Tull. Being that I am a rabbi, and not a doctor, I don’t have the answers in medical fact, but when you compare these three videos below, then you should know who has the biggest balls of them all

American:

Asian:

Jewish:

Jews win!

“Is it metal to be a homosexual? (I.E. Rob Halford) – Elync”

As long as the word “sexual” is in there, it is Metal!

“I’m trying to grow a full beard like yours but I can’t get to grow the moustache, any advice? – DB”

If you only have a beard, then you might need to refer to question 3. But anyway, I would recommend joining the Facebook group for “THE RAY CHAOS CHAMPIONSHIP BEARD SUPPORT GROUP.”

If you are not familiar with the competition that Ray (the almighty singer of Full Blown Chaos) is referring to, then you are missing out on one of the most metal events ever that doesn’t even involve music.

If you can’t make it to Alaska, then print out this picture and pray to it every night:

“Alright, here’s a question for ya.

“As a person who studies religion (I’m not religious at all, but I do find the whole business of people taking religion seriously to be fascinating), and as a metal-head, I’ve come across some really ignorant folks who refuse to ever go near any band that considers themselves ‘Christian Metal’, or even if the band isn’t considered ‘Christian metal’, but is made up of Christian members. Why do we have such a deep-seeded hatred against bands that have a Judeo-Christian message behind them? As some people posted in the ‘Gahl is Gay’ post, Metal is all bout being true to one’s self. Yet when it comes to folks who are ‘religious’, we cannot accept that. I find it sad, because there is some pretty damn good Christian Metal out there. Now, bands like As I Lay Dying, UnderOath, Zao, The Chariot, and The Devil Wears Prada have kinda ruined it for some folks, but there are some amazingly talented Christian Metal bands out there, such as Becoming The Archetype, Living Sacrifice, Narnia, etc. Metal does not always have to be about despair, hate, anger, destruction, or emotions that can be considered ‘negative’. There is absolutely nothing wrong with using the genre to spread a message of ‘hope’, even if we disagree with it.

“What can be done to correct such ignorance?

“Andres”

First off, between you and the male fertility guy, I have a whole new outlook on the type of readers that MetalSucks gets. I figured most of you were like the reader in question one – hiding in your parent’s basement avoiding sunlight and downloading music illegally from some Russian website that is also run by ex-KGB members that force underage girls (and boys) into a life of slavery and prostitution. I guess I was wrong.

So, on to your question. As a fellow theologian and metalhead, I am sorry to say that this “ignorance” is beyond repair. I love myself some Christian Metal along with Krishna-Core and even some Rammstein, but the general population is mostly like this:

The only thing that I can see solving this problem is the introduction of “Jew-Core” as a full-fledged metal subgenre. Sure, it got a bit of a start with Sons Of Abraham back in the day, but I think 2008 should be the official “Year Of Jew-Core!” This is a callout to all you Jewish musicians… rise up and take over the Underoaths and Strypers out there. Only you can save metal… and maybe the future of music!

-AO

Got a question for metal’s most revered rabbi? Anton OyVey is all seeing and all knowing. E-mail him at antonoyvey [at] metalsucks.net, or just leave your query in the comments section below!

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