Best Beard Bracket

Sean Z.’s Twelve Inch Face Pubes Win the MetalSucks Best Beard in the History of Metal Bracket!!!


The votes are in, and the MetalSucks Maniacs have spoken: Sean Z., vocalist for Dååth and keyboardist for Chimaira, has THE BEST BEARD IN THE HISTORY OF METAL!!!

Over the course of five rounds, Sean took down a bevy of fearsome, including the legendary, legendarily pink-beared, Dimebag. Most recently, his enormous storm cloud of facial hair wiped the floor with Valient Thorr vocalist Valient Himself, whose own cheek locks are not to be trifled with.

Here’s what Sean Z. himself had to say about this greatest of honors: 

“I’m pretty much in disbelief that I took down some of the people I did… And although I heard alot of, “Oh, you should see so and so’s beard now”… Well, damnit, you should see my beard now! And when people were saying things such as “This guy’s beard is the longest or toughest or most  metal…” They forget  mine took three years to grow!

“Most people dont realize the bullshit involved in keeping up with a beard. Eating things such as soup, cereal, spaghetti, crackers, chips, dip, salsa… fuck, really anything will get caught in it.

“And it’s a constant maintenance whore:

  • shampoo
  • condition
  • brushing
  • fuck  wtihout it it looks like   shit
  • and even with it it looks like shit
  • and itching and heat
  • and sweat
  • and sleeping on it
  • and getting caught in the seatbelt
  • and sleeping with it period  (above the covers)

“Yes, I feel like a hobo sometimes. But a hobo’s beard would be so nasty and scraggly from years of not washing it. In one day, I’d lose my mind.

“When the hairs break away and fall on the table of on the floor, they look like twelve inch pubes.

“And then there are the people around the world… Every person, depending on where they are from, see beards as a different creature:

  • In America, I’m Jesus
  • In Europe, I’m Rasputin
  • In Scandinavian countries, I’m a vikinh
“And in some places, I’m Mark Morton ;)
“When I first saw that I won, I said to myself, ‘Goddamn, my beard itches.’ But the second thought that came to mind was, ‘Holy shit, I need to shave.’
“And when asked, ‘What will you do next?’, I replied: ‘I’m going to Disneyland!’”

“But what I’d really love is to do Wayne’s Worldfor a living.””We have discussed beard merch, and beard shirts… you just never know.

“Next for me is Beard Wars… Where the fuck is the entry form, History Channel???

“Thanks for all the votes. I will never shave again… or, at least not until I just can’t fucking stand it anymore.”

Thanks to everyone for participating! Re-live all the magic by clicking the now-complete bracket below!

THE COMPLETE BRACKET (click to enlarge):

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