MetalSucks

You can’t be a rawk gawd if you’re a fucking midget. Think about it: is there a great midget musician in the history of metal? FUCK NO (First person to say that lil’ fucker who used to hang out with Kid Rock gets banned.). Metal is all about being larger than life, and to do that, you can’t be no friggin’ Mini-Me.

So we turned to metal’s ultimate diminutive drummer, Lars Ulrich, and asked him to do a guest blog for us about how to look taller than you actually are. Much to our surprise, even after all the shit we’ve talked about Lars here at MS, he agreed.* After the jump, get Our Little Danish Friend’s pointers on adding inches where it really counts (and not just to your penis).

1) WEAR WOODEN BLOCKS ON YOUR FEET

This is an obvious one, although I actually stole the idea from Short Round in Temple of Doom. Still, it helps me reach my drum pedals – without the wooden blocks, my footsies would just be dangling off my stool. True story.

2) IF YOU’RE IN A BAND, BE THE DRUMMER

Ever met Joey Jordison? Dave Lombardo? None of these fuckers are guys you’d describe as “tall.” When you’re sitting down, it’s a lot harder for your fans to realize you never broke five feet. Or you can do the crabwalk like Trujillo, but really, just because we’re all too scared to tell the guy he looks like he has take a major shit doesn’t mean it ain’t so.

3) WHEN POSING FOR BAND PHOTOS, UTILIZE FORCED PERSPECTIVE

Check out that photo to your right. It looks like I’m as tall as Hetfield, doesn’t it? Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’m actually just standing closer to the camera than Jaymz is! Awesome, right? Works every time, man. Every fuckin’ time.

4) SHOP AT BABY GAP

If you try to wear regular clothes, they’ll be too big and you’ll look like a dope. Better to wear clothing that barely fits you; then people will think “Wow! That dude is so tall he can’t even find clothes that fit him!” Plus, the sales chicks at Baby Gap are, like, super-duper nice.

5) BECOME ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED ONLY WITH TALL WOMEN

I know this might seem illogical, but it’s a little trick that my bud Tom Cruise taught me and it works. Here’s why: women hate to date guys who are shorter than they are. So if everyone sees you with a taller woman, they think, “Well, he must be taller than he looks.” Works like a charm. Tom, babe, if you’re reading this, thanks for the advice!

6) DRESS IN ONE COLOR FROM HEAD TO TOE

One color from top to bottom will give the impression of length… even if it’s not there. My stylist taught me that. Thanks, Shirley!

7) LOSE WEIGHT

My stylist taught me this one, too. Burgess Meredith? That dude from Rocky who played The Penguin on the old Batman TV series? Actually six foot eleven. The belly gave him the appearance of being a dwarf. Weird, right?

8) WALK ON HOT COALS EVERY MORNING

This is painful, but the swelling ostensibly creates pads on the bottom of your feet that add an inch or two. If you can get your doctor to prescribe some yummy pain killers for you, then it’s totally worth it.

9) ALWAYS BE THE LOUDEST PERSON IN THE ROOM

And pick fights for no particular reason (See: My argument with Jaymz about whether or not a song sounds “stock” in Some Kind of Monster. As though I give fuck if the song sounds stock or not.). If you make yourself a forceful personality, than everyone in the room will forget how petite you really are because they’ll be too concerned with making sure you’re calm and happy! Some douche bags call this “Napoleon Syndrome,” but guess fucking what? NAPOLEON WAS THE MAN! He was in power and everyone feared him and he died a rich old man in his bed surrounded by loved ones who admired him. Right?

10) AND, FINALLY, BE A FUCKING MILLIONAIRE

No one has called me “short” to my face since 1990. No shit. Word is bond.

NOW GO BUY MY NEW ALBUM! I’M FILING A LAWSUIT AGAINST ALL YOU ILLEGAL DOWNLOADERS IN THE MORNING!

-Lars Ulrich

*And by “He agreed,” we mean “We never heard back from Lars or anyone in his camp, and this article was actually written by a member of the MetalSucks staff.” Please don’t sue us, Lars.