CAN’T ANYONE MAKE A DECENT HEAVY METAL TV SHOW?
Wednesday, January 7th, 2009 at 11:50am by Corey Mitchell
I must have been a ”submissive” in a previous life filled with dungeons and whips and chains. That’s the only way I can explain my irrational belief that someone, somewhere can actually make a decent fucking television show about heavy metal. The good ones, like Talking Metal or Uranium get yanked, while the cool hosts, such as Jamey Jasta and Juliya, get deep-sixed as soon as they start getting popular.
Regardless, I held out hope for this fall’s newest unwanted bastard red-headed stepchild AKA That Metal Show. Not surprisingly, my hopes were ill-founded and short-lived. That Metal Show blows.
Okay, okay. I know it airs on VH1 Classic, but c’mon. Could the execs have tried any harder not to cater to their target demographic — metalheads?
TMS is a whopping 30-minute show (22 minutes after excising the commercials) that features three hosts, no music videos, and no talk about metal created after, ummmm, I’d say, 1984. It airs on Saturday night at 11:00 p.m. (EST), looks like it takes place in my dead Aunt Bessie’s pristine foyer, and is so not metal it is, quite frankly, embarrassing.
Even more unnecessary are the three, yes, three hosts. Eddie Trunk reminds me of that dorky Dave Holmes, who lost the MTV VJ spot to the retarded Jessie Camp all those moons ago, and is even more snooze-inducing. The other two dudes, I can’t be bothered to remember their names, serve no purpose other than to make fun of Trunk. Of course, Trunk does a bang-up job of that on his own with a completely irrelevant segment known as “Stump the Trunk” where audience members (which are comprised of the exact same people throughout the first eight episodes) read pre-written questions about some silly obscure producer of some third-rate hair metal band for an album that never sold more than four copies. The “Trunkster” inevitably misses the majority of the questions and gives away some crappy grab bag item. Hell, we here at the MetalSucks Mansion give away cooler gifts to you guys for making stupid comments about some funny ass photos.
The only redeeming quality of the show so far has been the guests which have included Lita Ford, Yngwie Malmsteen, Twisted Sister, Rush, and more. Unfortunately, they don’t play music but rather sit around and have the worst “2 minute drill” debate in the history of televised infotainment along with the three hosts. For dripping inanity, check out former New York Mets catcher and alleged metal fan Mike Piazza’s incredibly lame story about Axl Rose (Episode 5, Part 1 @ 4:22). The guy sounds like a total douche…no, not Axl. Piazza! [The MS editors strongly disagree with this statement, for the record. -Ed.]
I assume you’re sitting at home or at work saying to yourself, “Alright smart guy, how would you make this show better?”
I’m glad you asked. It would be easy, really.
First of all, let’s go with a better starting time. Anything on the weekend after 10:00pm is completely useless as the majority of self-respecting metalheads are well on their way to the local bar to check out some local talent like Skard Soul (RIP) or heading off to the nearby mega-venue to catch Heaven and Hell or Judas Priest or a decent mid-sized joint to watch Psycroptic or Blacklisted. Turn the damn show into the pre-game warm-up. Start it at 8:00pm and let it run for two hours. That way, your supposed target audience, you know, those pesky headbangers, will be at home gearing up for a night on the town and will use your show for their psyche-up entertainment purposes.
Second, have a smart dude with a decent sense of humor who knows his shit as your host. Don’t turn it into a lame stand-up routine, but rather have a walking metallic encyclopedia who can actually have a conversation that does not take place on Twitter. Think a Jamey Jasta sort with a bit more charisma. Sorry, Jamey, you fuckin’ rule, but I gotta be truthful here.
Third, hire a sexy female second banana, not as a co-host, but as a roving entertainer with a better-than-basic knowledge of the genre. She should be able to keep the guys glued in with the eye candy, not turn off the three or four potential female viewers out there, and display a respectable modicum of metal intelligence. Think a cross between Juliya and Tina Fey. Eventually, she will take over the lead host spot after the current male host OD’s on ketamine or gets arrested for sodomizing a 12-year-old Winger fan.
Four, show metal videos. Duh! I know, it’s stating the obvious. And show new ones. Save the classic crap for “Metal Mania” on VH1. We want to see new shit and lots of it. I know this one is probably the hardest as executives at music channels seem psychotically adverse to actually broadcasting music videos, but trust me, your fans will love you for this small token gesture.
Five, don’t timeshift on us. Nothing’s worse than settling in to watch your favorite metal show only to find out that it was re-scheduled for a later time. And stop with the extra five minutes before and/or after your show. My DVR hates you.
Six — Bands! Bands! Bands! I don’t care how illiterate, drunk, or stupid they are, nothing is cooler than checking out a band interview who is quizzed by someone who knows the genre. Who can forget “Dimebag” Darrell’s appearance on HBB with that entire Cat Scratch Fever hilarity? Priceless.
Okay, so basically all I’ve done here is create a sexier, smarter, more entertaining Headbanger’s Ball with tons of current videos and interviews that should air earlier in the evening so metalheads can have a little background party accompaniment. But, really, is that so wrong?
VH1, MTV, MTV2, Fuse execs — get on this, stat! Get rid of That Metal Show and give us a real fuckin’ metal show. ASAP.
If you just have to see it for yourself, VH1 has every episode of That Metal Show in full here.
-CM
I have watched the Metal Show, and while I don’t like any of the bands that they covered, I actually like the format of the show. I think it was an entertaining 22 minute show. Granted Eddie Trunk is old as dirt, but they did a few funny sketches on the 2 episodes I saw.
Ultimately, I think the dream show scenario you wrote about will never ever happen because “music” stations barely dedicate an hour to any music videos, let alone a niche genre like metal. That’s why the internet is great. Because anybody can just start their own show. Ahem!
Metal shows just do not do good enough in ratings for any “music” network to get behind them. The reason “That Metal Show” exists is because Eddie Trunk is the only on-air talent that VH1 Classic has, so they let him create his own show.
The only way a Metal show will work is if it goes Web 2.0 through a Website.
Hm…
VH1 = MTV Rejects
&
MTV = Bullshit
Hence, “That Metal Show” = Whale sized dung pie.
“…unwanted bastard red-headed stepchild ”
Fuck why are we so hated?
Jim Florentine is a funny dude, but that show sucks. Rarely do they talk about anything other than 70’s classic rock and 80’s metal bands. Don’t get me wrong, there’s some cool shit from those time periods, but there is nothing new to talk about!
The show should be re-named “Talking about shit that happened 25 years ago”
Metal Injection is the way to go
I agree, Metal Injection is what you want. There’s no decent metal at all on telly. Even supposed “metal” stations like Kerrang! and Scuzz (dunno if you get them in America) are run by fucking shitehawks who think Death Magnetic is the best thing since sliced bread.
I completely agree. That Metal Show is awfully boring and painful to watch. and does anybody know when Headbangers Ball actually airs any more?
You know I love you guys but Juliya? She was so annoying when she hosted that show!
The reason the show covers older artists is because it airs on VH1 Classic which targets an older audience.
By the way, like him or not, Eddie Trunk is a metal lifer and done a lot for the genre. He used to be at Megaforce and worked with bands like Overkill and Testament back during the golden days of thrash. His radio show has been a staple for years too.
I don’t mourn the death of music videos. I’d rather have a Joshua tree enema than waste my time watching music that really should be listened to. That, and I have a life and have seen a vagina for real.
obey the dark lord.
Corey, I agree with you that this show sucks and isn’t even fit for geezers/butlers.
Instead of videos, why couldn’t the revamped metal show have LIVE PERFORMANCES FROM TOURING ACTS? The show is filmed in NYC, right? Metal bands comes through this crazy town on a daily basis. They’re hungry for exposure, and probably food as well. HOOK THEM UP!
It’s very hard to shoot live footage in NY, because most of the bigger venues demand like a 5000 dollar fee for their unions because they provide lighting, soundboard etc. The only venues we are able to shoot at is BB Kings and (sometimes but not lately) Blender Theater, which is why we trek out to Long Island and Jersey sometimes.
Actually. RobInjection, I was thinking more like in-studio a la Letterman. I know all too well the fees that venues charge to let you shoot video. In my past life, I used to be somebody.
This show is a joke. I think everyone makes pretty much the same points and it needs a modern feel to it. Seriously, who gives a fly fuck who produced the 60th version of a Kiss Greatest Hits record or who was a guest roadie on Ozzies first solo tour. The 4 minute Wayne’s World sketches from SNL were more interesting that this show will ever be. It has a few funny points but overall falls way short of any modern metal fan truly enjoying every week and looking forward to the next episode. Uranium and Talking Metal are only on Fuse Demand now and I hate to sound shallow but I agree with the dude that said Juliya was annoying. A little less clothes and a lot less talk and she would be much more tolerable.
This show is a piece of shit. How come you don’t make a Metal Sucks show?
I’ll be glad to co-host the Metal Sucks TV show, but only if I get to beat up a clown as the closing credits roll. Also: pay me in boilermakers.
I wanna co-host metal injection!
i love that shit
Sometime during the holidays I was at the inlaws flipping channels on their cable TV. To my surprise I came across Mike Portnoy being interviewed! I stopped to watch it and was ultimately very underwhelmed. His interview revealed nothing, the shilled the new Dream Theater DVD for about 5 seconds and then moved on to something else that didn’t hold my interest. *click* went my remote soon after.
I agree the show for the most part is lame, and that Don Jamieson guy with his side burns is a annoying fuckstick.
Agreed on all points, Corey.
Agreed that the show is kinda sucky, it’s obvious they edit out tons of dead air. But it seems like they are working on a pretty cheap budget. Can’t fault them for trying. And if they featured most of the bands that MetalSucks blogs about on a daily basis, 3 fuckin people would watch it.
I do enjoy Eddie Trunk’s radio show when I catch it, and Jim Florentine is always great when he goes on Howard Stern.
http://www.myspace.com/metalcin
I agree!
Makes me realize I haven’t missed cable so much. Without any REAL Metal show, what reason do i have to watch TV. ‘That Fuse Chic’ was some nice Eye-Candy & i do agree was a bit on the annoying side (just a little) – but thats why gawd created the gag-ball!
MetaInjection IS a good outlet for videos (& other things) & the guys seems to have that on lock-down, great job guys!
BUT, as long as the corporate scum-Viacom,disney,turner,fox,& the like-control the airwaves we’ll have to keep wishing on a star, get the pun?! Thank goodness for public access tho..I’m in L.A. & I’ve been wishing the same because out here we don’t even have a flippin’ radio station that plays METAL. We have p*ssysh!t poser stations like KROQ, stone-age classic rock in KLOS, & lame indie crap on INDIE103 -which, in actuallity is the only station that hosts a Metal show, but on a really REALLY fuked up schedule – sundays @ 10p for 2 hours…. yeah, thanx! I need to wake up at 6a for this thing call a Rat-Race…work
Regardless, there is a bit of a scene here & I’m doing my part in helping – We have some things brewing here that should get some peoples attention with people who KNOW what there talking about, that know Metal & arent in it just to promote their ugly selves – I won’t even bother to mention names…
All in all, If you want REAL Metal, I think we all know where to look for it. We’ll always come out to the shows, we’ll always be there to buy the albums & T-shirts, & be happy being Anti-PoPCulture -DEATH TO TRENDY SHEEP -DEATH TO POSERS!
I’ve kept watching this show in spite of mostly hating it. I like Eddie Trunk, and aside from some dismal trivia performances he does mostly know his shit. However, those other two idiots suck and are simply not funny. I agree they do need an update – Dream Theater was the only “contemporary” act referenced when Portnoy was on (Twisted Sister, Lita Ford, Yngwie & Ace Frehley don’t count, they’re nostalgia acts, sorry to say). Sadly, DT is also the heaviest band they’ve talked about. (The guy above was right, Trunk does know plenty about thrash, at least of the old variety.) I’m not asking for extreme death metal, but something with a little more bite than House of Lords would be nice.
Anyway, I had hopes for this when it first came out, but I’m going to just quit watching. Too much off-topic, stupid, lame “comedy”, not enough actual metal talk. And again, ditch the two moron wanna-be comedians.
Metal Injection>TV
Another thing that kills me about the two comedian dudes is their new/vintage t-shirts as if they said are trying to look authentic.
I miss Talking Metal. That was a pretty awesome show. I’m still subscribed to the podcast though I rarely find the time to listen to it. Besides, the show didn’t have as much random babbling about nothing like the podcast has.
how about a metal sucks video podcast? just wear a brown paper bag over your head:)
This show sucks, the hosts are bad and the show consists of no music. I thought the new headbangers ball would have done well if it didn’t have a rotating timeslot, wasn’t on the tv wasteland that was MTV, and had some live performances.
sock puppets
metalocalypse!
I couldn’t agree with you more Corey on all points. I’m glad I’m no the only one who noticed that Jasta sometimes had the charisma of tree trunk on HBB. I doubt there will ever be any good metal show on TV. Rachtman did the best job with HBB but grunge and the 90s metal lull killed the show. Unless Roadrunner starts their own network I have no hope metal will ever get any respect on TV. Metal has never gotten any mainstream respect even when Metallica could have went platinum by breaking wind we got nothing but the cancellation of HBB the first time. Master of Puppets, Peace Sells, Among the Living and Reign in Blood will all celebrate their 25 Anniversaries this year and you still won’t hear anything about that outside of the metal community. 25 years and millions of copies sold and you’ll still never here these albums played on mainstream radio. I only care for one reason, these bands and these albums deserve the respect they have earned. So FUCK YOU MTV, VH1 & Fuse for doing absolutely nothing for metal.
Even more unnecessary are the three, yes, three hosts. Eddie Trunk
that’s where you should’ve stopped if you think Piazza is full of it. But he is a tool…
Hmmm…. firstly, that Juliya chick was a terrible host. Sure, she loves metal, it seems, and was “buddy buddy” with bands, but it was a horrible show.
I saw some show on fuse that was like a TV show done by these metal podcaster guys. i have no idea what it was called, but it had that terrrrrible in this moment band covering I’m broken at the end, with some random dude from sirius singing.
so yeah, a good metal show? will never happen.
Why all this lament over a lack of a “good” metal TV show? Especially in this age of the internet with sites like MS and Metal Martyr.
I don’t hear classical music fans crying over no VH1 or MTV style shows dedicated to their genre. Or bluegrass fans. Or traditional Celtic music fans.
Metal fans, for all of our “machismo”, sure are a bunch of whining pansies.
Juliya was the WORST host ever. THE most annoying “metal chick”. Gives the rest of us ladies a really fucked name. Girls that really know their shit when it comes to metal don’t have to be half naked or say duuuuuude a lot or throw horns every 5 seconds.
And nobody here seems to be whining, but instead are voicing opinions. As hard as it may be to believe, not everyone has internet access. Yes, even in 2009. But they still can love metal music and wish to have a show like back in the day before MTV traded HBB for The Hills.
@ Heatherrr: There is an awful lot of whining in these parts about music videos and the lack of a decent metal TV show. And I’m assuming if someone is posting a comment here, they likely have access to a computer. Of course, I could be wrong and they just have magical powers.
Rob Injection: Funny, you had a good thing going with Maryland Death but screwed it up by being twats.
Maybe metal shows don’t last because people who actually dig metal that much to sit around the TV are teens and prostatots and need something entertaining, like Juliya’s Soviet cum-slot, to keep their attention as opposed to boring old jackasses preening about Dio
Lets not pretend that metal is interesting. Metal gossip and news is boring even to people who enjoy it and are part of the scene so of course these things fail.
Lets not pretend that metal is interesting
niggaplease…
Sammy, my friend, I believe Heatherrr is spot on — you seem to be the only person around here whining.
I, like many metalheads, tend to devour anything and everything related to metal be it CDs, websites, blogs, books, fucking sheet music, DVDs, documentaries, t-shirts, posters, flyers, guitar picks, LPs, collectibles, cassingles, and, yes, television shows. I am a firm believer that the more outlets that promote better, the better. So why not make a decent television show for metal? Three guys sitting around yapping about hard rock and trying to be funny doesn’t blow up my skirt.
You may not like TV shows about metal, but judging from the response here many other metalheads do…and they would like to see a better product.
the more outlets that promote better, the better should read “the more outlets that promote metal, the better.”
@Corey: I was whining about the whining I hear (read) here, so THAT whining doesn’t count!
Seriously, though, I do get your point. If you’re gonna make a product, at least make it better. But maybe, just maybe, we’ve moved past finding metal news on TV. And as I said before, metal isn’t the only genre of music ignored by music television. Almost all forms, save pop and country, are virtually ignored.
so yeah i think it would be awesome if metal injection would get its shit together and actually become a real tv show….. they have awesome interviews, live performance from shit u actually wanna see…. they show music videos of shit i never knew existed…
now about that damn show i actually watched and im like wtf is this there damn main host like ufo who the fuck knows who that is now a days are u shitting me….
o well i guess we’ll never get what we want till its to late but that the life of a metal head if u ask me…. ok well thats my view
FUCK Ricky Rachtman! Am I the only one that noticed how he rolls with every trend from punk to glam to metal to grunge. Jasta may not have been an epic host but it was cool to have someone that was genuinely in to metal as opposed to some personality that was just there to try and makje the show watchable. Once again…FUCK RICKY RACHTMAN! I don;pt know who the bigger poser is, Rachtman or Tommy “I’m a 45 year old DJ/Drummer/Solo Artist/Retard/Retard” Lee?
More metal, less talking and more to the point when they do talk. I can’t watch Uranium as Juliya’s 2nd camera is pretty fucking freaky and basically makes her look like a fucken wierdo. It totally throws me off when watching it. I’d still do her. She’s even hotter in person. idk why i had to add that.
while I would enjoy a decent metal news show on tv and agree that “That Metal Show” is unwatchable, I often prefer to not see videos of bands, outside of live performances. I can’t count how many of my concepts of songs have been altered by terribly done videos. Sure, there have been some great metal videos, Mastodon and Tool come to mind, but a bad video or a camera unfriendly band can nearly ruin the concept of a song. Being in a great metal band should not also require you to be a great actor or movie producer, although it can be a bonus.