DARK FUNERAL HAVE HOLES IN THEIR HANDS
Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009 at 12:30pm by Axl Rosenberg
Since I’m not really a Dark Funeral fan, I have absolutely nothing intelligent to say about “Stigmata,” the new song that is now streaming on the band’s MySpace page, so I’ll just tell this completely inappropriate joke instead.
Jesus walks into an inn. He hands the Inn Keeper three nails and says, “Can you put me up for the night?” Rimshot!
Feel free to share your own tasteless Jesus jokes in the comments section below. Or just, y’know, talk about the actual music.
“Stigmata” comes off of Dark Funeral’s new, Peter Tägtgren-produced album, Angelus Exuro pro Eternus. It comes out November 18 on Regain.
-AR
whats the difference between a jew and a canoe? canoe’s tip ba dum ba ching!!
i lol’d. hard.
I’m not a big Black metal fan, but hey, it’s free… and kicks some ass, too! I was surprised. Good shit.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes 1 nail to hang a picture.
…picture doesn’t scream when you hang it up
What does Jesus and a beautiful, intelligent woman have in common?
They both don’t exist
nobody fux wit da Jeezuz
8 year olds dude.
Donny, you’re outta your element!
shut the fuck up Donny!!!
Hahahahahahahah :-) :-) Great movie
To paraphrase Bill Hicks: “Yeah I said that joke a month ago and these guys come up to me. ‘hey BUDDY! I don’t think that’s funny. I’m a Christian.’
Bill Hicks shrugs. “Then forgive me…”
Awesome cover art
What’s a jews biggest dilemma? Free pork ZING
I love Jesus and u Dudes should read John 3:16 Peace
Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near the shopping center?
A: To be sure her daughter would visit her twice a week.
Jewish jokes > Jesus jokes.
At least so far…
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay”.
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground showing God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! “What happened”, they asked. “Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.” “And then what happened”, asked a woman. “I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”
Classic!
What’s the difference between a Jew and a cake?
A cake doesn’t scream when you put in in an oven.
/Oh, so wrong.
What’s the best way to kill off a jew? Throw a quarter off of a bridge.
His family? Tell them he had his will.
what if it’s a cake with a stripper inside?
you really nailed jesus with that one, axl.
p.s: i like how quickly the comments in here have moved from making fun of jesus specifically to everyone jewish.
Why doesn’t Jesus like M&M’s?
They’re always falling through his hands.
Nice one!
How was it possible for Jesus to walk on water?
Shit floats.
What are you eating? My crap sinks.
“The following subject is something every single person who has ever lived on the planet Earth has done almost every single day of their life. No matter who you are or where or when you lived you have spent a few moments of everyday involved in a bowel movement. This may not seem like an interesting subject or a private matter that you feel uncomfortable discussing. The reason for this subject matter is because what you flush down the toilet is a daily “barometer” of what is going on inside your body. It is a production of what is right or wrong with your system. The next time you use the toilet stop and take a private moment to look at your feces to see the result of your diet.
First off how many times a day do you poop?
On average a healthy person will have three bowel movements everyday. All people need to evacuate at least once everyday. If you do not “go” at least everyday then you are constipated and if you go more than 3 times you have diarrhea. The diarrhea part most people understand but many do not realize how important it is to “go” each and everyday.
What about the smell?
The smell of your bowel movement is a direct result of the type of foods and drinks you consume. Generally speaking, feces will smell worse if you consume foods or liquids with many artificial flavors or chemicals. You can reduce the offensive odor by eating more natural foods that do not contain the artificial flavors or chemicals.
Does it float?
Whether or not your feces float is an indicator of a healthy diet. A good diet would result in the stool sinking to the bottom. A floating stool may be a symptom of a more serious problem but more than likely it is because you are eating too many fatty foods in your diet. Increased levels of nutrients in the stool are supplied to the normal bacteria that live in the gut, which in turn produce more gas. This results in more gas-rich stools that float. Lower the fat content of your food and your poop should sink.
How hard is it?
A good healthy poop should be like toothpaste. If you strain or have really solid poops then you need to adjust your diet. What you should do is increase the amount of fiber in the daily diet by eating foods like:
• Whole grain breads and cereals
• Fresh raw fruits with skins and seeds
• Fresh raw vegetables
• Fruit juices
• Dates, apricots, raisins, prunes, prune juice, nuts
What color should it be?
Feces will most often be light or dark brown which is natural. Consult a doctor immediately if there is blood with stools, if blood has colored a stool red, if a stool appears black and tarry, or very light or pale in color, as these changes can indicate a serious condition.
What is a good shape?
This question can bring an entire mental collage of thoughts that need no description here. So lets go straight to the description of what is healthy…
Well formed stools are soft and flexible. They have good texture, volume and weight and are passed easily (with out straining hard). They make a clean exit from the body and hold their shape. The length should be from four to seven inches.
So. if you are living a healthy lifestyle with the proper diet your bowel movements should follow a strict pattern. It is something you have to do quite often and I hope you will use this article to realize that your feces are not just something you flush away. It is a barometer of your diet and your body. So think twice before you just flush it away. I encourage you to further research this subject yourself because it really demonstrates what is going on inside your body.
-Keith Quackenbush”
That was a very awesome explanation. Nice to know I eat a very healthy diet.
Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.
God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan, visibly upset, cries, ‘I have nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!’ ‘Very well, then, ‘ says God, ‘let us see how Jesus fared.’ Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters, ‘b-b-but how? How did he do that?!’
God chuckles, ‘JESUS SAVES!’
*Resorts to Nachtmystium and Emperor*
Jesus and Moses are walking on the beach, discussing the past. Moses becomes curious if in so many years he has lost his abilities. Jesus shrugs and Moses walks to the edge of the sea, raises his arms and splits the ocean, and walks back to Jesus with a smile.
“Very nice,” Jesus said.
“I wonder if I still got it?”
Jesus walks to the water and begins walking on top of the ocean. After 20 steps he sinks.
Jesus splashes back ashore and Moses approaches him and pats his back.
“Don’t worry, last time you tried it you didn’t have holes in your feet.”
You know how INRI is written at the top of Christ’s crucifix? You know what it really stands for?
…I’m Nailed Right In
how long are you people going to keep hammering away at this?
Pun Intended?
Jesus, on the cross, almost dead but not quite, sees a young boy walking by.
Jesus: “My son, can you please remove these nails”
Boy: “No problem Jesus”
Boy climbs up on the cross and removes the nails from his hands.
Jesus (falling down): “Waaaaaait, the feet!!”
Well, since no one else has mentioned it as far as I can tell, the Dark Funeral song is alright.
It’s not great, not bad. Just bland black metal. Which I suppose it’s what they’re good at.
And you guys shouldn’t knock Jews. Being a Jew is a real gas.
I find this kind of music insulting to my intellect,
I’m sure Lucifer does too.
What’s the difference between Jews and boy scouts?
Boy scouts come back from camp.
Why do Jews watch porno movies in reverse?
The like the part when the hooker gives the money back:)