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The Dreadful Demo Files

THE DREADFUL DEMO FILES: THE DECEMBER 2009 EDITION, PART I

 Monday, December 7th, 2009 at 3:00pm by

dreadful demo 1

[A series of absolutely dreadful demos to grace the doorstep of the MS Mansion of late has inspired me to resurrect The Dreadful Demo Files, in which we take a look at some of the face-palm inducingly bad packages we receive. For the sake of these poor bands' egos we've disguised their identities. I'll be highlighting 3 bands this week... the last of which is so absolutely righteous I'm not sure it can ever possibly be topped. -.Ed.]

So many things wrong with this! Where to start?

  1. This was the entirety of the letter! Just this and a burned CD.
  2. Fantastic grasp of the English language, sentence structure, capitalization and punctuation. Yes, this was sent in by an American band. You took the time to assemble a package, burn a CD and print out a letter… but you couldn’t take 30 seconds to make it cohesive? Come on, dude.
  3. Why would I care what unknown bands your drummer has played in?
  4. I most certainly would LOVE to do an interview with you. Our readers are going to really enjoy reading an interview with a guy they’ve never heard of who’s in a band they’ve never heard of. That’ll bring in tons of traffic to our website and will surely keep everyone entertained.
  5. Thanks for including your phone number! I’ll definitely call you, buddy.
  6. Nice use of “eatmyfukk” in your email address. Way to appear professional!

That’s it for now. Stay tuned for the next edition of the Dreadful Demo Files, coming at you this Wednesday.

-VN

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  • msv81

    LOL. God you guys are assholes. I fucking love it.

  • Grymmbear

    So the $1M question… how does it sound?

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    This is my band and I am piss.

    • I’m not racst, but I hate Oceano

      I hope this becomes a meme on this site.

      • FlyingDadBomb

        Me too. Kinda like “ALL OUR DICKS COMBINED ARE THIS BIG!”

        • Alkahest

          THE MUSICAL IS BACK!

          • Some Random Dude

            motherfucker i was just thinking that.

    • cougar party

      Fucking NICE! I still laugh my ass off to this day about the whole incident.

  • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

    The “eatmyfukk” is his business email address.

    • Kuranes

      I like how it’s ‘eatmyfukk1′ – presumably plain old ‘eatmyfukk’ was already taken.

  • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/46e389eb8b79606050d3d447431ff6ac?s=80 Nate

    This is what axl’s article’s look like until vince does a half-assed spell check on them.

    • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/46e389eb8b79606050d3d447431ff6ac?s=80 Nate

      +2 to the guy who finds out the hidden grammatical error! I guarantee those guys won’t find it!

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-John-Crispen/100000169530540 Jason John Crispen

        apostrophe nazis attack!

        • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/46e389eb8b79606050d3d447431ff6ac?s=80 Nate

          +2!

      • Blashyrkh

        LOOKS like.

    • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

      You used a period at the end!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-John-Crispen/100000169530540 Jason John Crispen

    i’m gonna send them our demo! in a fantastic package complete with a 16 page printed letter printed in a steno notebook. the CD will come with a crisp 50 dollar bill attached to it! turds.

  • CARTER

    my bands dreadful demos are at http://www.myspace.com/nephilimvt

    flame away

    • Alkahest

      1) Never host your background image on photobucket.
      2) I kinda like it. With better production it would be rad.

      • amaz0n

        So what’s your suggestion for a different place to host images, other than photobucket?

        I agree that it loads slower than molasses, but that’s what my band does ’cause we don’t know any better.

        • PD

          Use Myspace to host your pics…I’m sure that would work and has no bandwidth limitations.

    • amaz0n

      By the way, i kind of dig your tunes.

  • rachel

    American edukayshonal systems are to blame for this, ladies and gents.

    • Ben

      No. Stupidity is to blame for this. The state of our educational system is a result of that too. Our society has lost all respect for intelligence. Therefore, it has become acceptable to be a moron to the extent that we allow our teachers to be borderline retarded as well. The educational system isn’t the cause, it’s part of the effect

      • rachel

        Yeah they definetly do belittle education. In the Asian countries like Korea and China, one may choose a specialty area and study that for 12 hours straight every day. Obviously, that wouldn’t ever work over here, but I think teachers shoudl care a little more about their curriculum. You would be amazed with the kind of reading skills some high schoolers have. A shame.

  • Noel

    ya, thats pretty unprofessional, but also, remember this is a site that has headlines such as ” Songs to fuck\get high too” and “Holy fuckin balls, the new IWABO is fuckin hereeee!”

    point being, this is a metal site, so expect what you dish out. Its not like your a fucking label. The guy just wants you to hear his stuff.
    [and no, that is not me. If youd like to hear MY non shitty demo, go to this shitty myspace link http://www.myspace.com\spectorsofsin]

  • Biff Tannen

    Im sure the band sucks (they’d have to if they are contacting this website to interview them)… but the dumbest thing about this article is your point that “.I most certainly would LOVE to do an interview with you. Our readers are going to really enjoy reading an interview with a guy they’ve never heard of who’s in a band they’ve never heard of. That’ll bring in tons of traffic to our website and will surely keep everyone entertained ”

    Umm. I LOVE reading about/interviews with bands I’ve never heard of. That’s how you….wait for it…. DISCOVER NEW MUSIC. I love going through old cut and paste zines and reading the interviews of bands I’ve never heard. Sometimes they talk about their influences, which is a great starting point for determining if the band might be your cup of tea or not.

    The guys that run this waste of bandwidth really are fucking idiots. Put down the bong for a second and think about what you post.

    • stu

      You’re totally fucking wrong. NO ONE (outside of maybe you who probably has no life thus enjoys reading about totally obscure bands) wants to read about a completely unknown band, with nothing going on.

      • stu

        I’m sorry, Ziltoid would like that as well.

      • Biff Tannen

        stu- Thats the best way to learn about fucking bands, guy. Granted, I usually read the interviews in zines with the bands I know first, then when there is nothing else in there to read, I start with the bands that are unknown to me. If they seem like they like the kind of music I do, and the same bands…chances are, I’m going to like their tunes as well.

        I’ve found PLENTY of great bands that I would otherwise have never heard, or wouldn’t have heard until they got ‘big’ years later when people like you start jumping on the band wagon.

        I’ve got a life, and there is nothing wrong with actively seeking out new music, as opposed to waiting for it to be spoon fed to me in my high chair like you apparently enjoy.

        • stu

          Again, if a band has nothing going on, why bother. I’m sure you’re on the real “cutting edge” when it comes to discovering new talent though.
          Why don’t you tell me one band you discovered years before “someone like me” jumped on the band wagon. I’m ready to hear this.

          • Biff Tannen

            Nachtmystium

          • stu1

            Considering I don’t even like them, you’re correct. But tell us how and when? Give us some story here

    • http://www.metalsucks.net Vince Neilstein

      I love reading ABOUT bands I’ve never heard of, but an interview is too much. What is there really to say that requires a feature interview? A couple of paragraphs describing the music and reasons why the writer likes / doesn’t like it will do. I really don’t have the time to read interviews with bands I’ve never heard of, and judging by the “Average Time on Site” metric for MetalSucks, neither do most of our readers.

      • Lybrium

        word.

      • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/46e389eb8b79606050d3d447431ff6ac?s=80 Nate

        Look at the Cormorant interview. No one knew about them and BAM. Look at how much we all love/appreciate them now.

        • Lybrium

          actually, some of us did.

          • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/46e389eb8b79606050d3d447431ff6ac?s=80 Nate

            Ok, SOME people did, but at the time they were pretty much unknown.

  • http://www.smnnews.com big_metal_al

    Oh gosh, this is going to turn into the, “listen to my killer (shitty) band” comment section. But always fun to glance over one’s stupidity.

  • xpurposex

    Pain is love!

  • 646

    The 646 area code is for New York numbers. This all totally makes sense now.

  • Insomnivore

    A quick search of eatmyfukk1 brought this up –

    ‘shano you are so stupid that your gay love for obama has completely blinded you
    your liberal lover wants oil to go up as much as possible cause he want to force americans into going green cause what is a liberal if you dont minimize choice and by the way stupid, obama knows what type of cars americans want to drive so he will force car companies that he has given so much money too continuing bushes policy might i add which shows how stupid obama is to build green cars which by the way will not sell if oil is 50 dollars a barrel
    and one more thing when money is being printed to be printed cause obama is so smart right shano cause hes the first black president which makes him untouchable of course you devalue the currency which raises commodity prices not greedy little opec or exxon or which ever little demons you masterbate too to go to sleep feeling good about your obama butt juice fantacy’

    I’m not much for fancy words nur book reading but that’s the same guy, right?

  • Youtube

    This is his youtube fa shaw.

    http://www.youtube.com/user/eatmyfukk1

    • Insomnivore

      You probably noticed the 30 porn accounts too all the the same writing style?

  • SourDeez

    Although the demo probably sucks, I have a few issues with your harsh criticism of this. For one, of course he included his phone number. For all the comments about being “unprofessional” that is in fact a professional thing to do. When you give someone a resume, you put your phone number on it. That’s what these guys are doing, they’re sending you musical resumes, in the hopes that you’ll see something you like and give it a little bit of exposure. If you want people to notice your band, you have to market yourself aggressively to as many people as possible. Sure, you can’t make them instantly known but everything counts. Considering the internet is where most people find out about new music, sites like MetalSucks could be a great source of information on good new bands. Also, of course the letter is short. It would be even more ridiculous if he sent a whole page of shameless self-promotion. Instead he gave you this: Here’s my band, here’s all the information you need to know and none that you don’t, and here’s my contact info. That’s about as professional as it gets. The lack of punctuation is dumb, but unimportant. Of course, if you listened to the demo and it did indeed suck, then all of this criticism goes out the window. But I would not be at all surprised if you just threw the cd in the trash.

    • SourDeez

      Also, this is metal, not Goldman Sachs. Using eatmyfukk as your email address really shouldn’t be a point of contention for a bunch of vulgar metal fans.

    • stu

      I’d toss a package in the trash instantly if the person couldn’t construct a sentence. And if it were a package to a&r trying to get signed, sure, put your phone number. You don’t for something like this.

      • Alkahest

        Agreed. It’s a blog for fucks sack.

        • Alkahest

          ololol.

          *fuck’s sake.

          • SourDeez

            It doesn’t matter who you’re sending it to, promotional materials should always have contact information. And @stu there are plenty of people who can play kickass music but can’t read or write very well. One’s grammatical ability and general education level has nothing to do with their musical prowess.

          • stu1

            Then have someone else write it. The fact is, most of the time, great music is discovered by people playing out and not sending in packages.

      • Biff Tannen

        “I’d toss a package in the trash instantly if the person couldn’t construct a sentence. And if it were a package to a&r trying to get signed, sure, put your phone number. You don’t for something like this.”

        Im sure real music scouts don’t share your mindset. If they did, we all know Pantera wouldn’t have gotten signed. (what a great world that would have been…)

        • stu1

          I’m sure you’d know first hand, wouldn’t you?

  • Discipleofthewatch

    … our drummer lord “gold” also plays for “horse the band”… to fill in the censored sections, there.

  • Discipleofthewatch

    Oh, yeah, lord gold is the keyboard player, right? Right. But still!

  • bombs away

    or it could be lord marcos, but I don’t think any project of his would have to go through this kinda thing…plus he’s like in jail or some shit last time I heard

    • heavy metal

      no he is not in jail. im pretty sure Lord Marco is with ANOMALOUS or he works in a coffee shop in his home town. Im not sure these days.

      • heavy metal

        never mind, he works at trader joes

  • Some Random Dude

    Well I hope this series goes away by the time I send in my demo.

  • Marcel
  • crapper

    ex drummer lord marco?