Well you see, I live on this mountain in western North Carolina, with a very small population. Most of that population is dirty fucking granola crunching hippies, so I think you need to give me an experience that doesn’t involve talking about organic food or the collective stream of consciousness. The drive is also only 3 hours or so. Save me from the vegans.

because first off i live in knoxville.

second off, i’m gonna be the only motherfucker there in a last days of humanity shirt.

i am metal incarnate.

I want to fuel the silent rage of all the bearded hipsters and gauged-out teens as they watch a 6’2 black guy
in a gap sweater shoot the shit with their favorite band.

Also I want to play Paul’s guitar tattoo.

As with most of the people who reside in and around Atlanta, the ice and shit totally screwed my plans to go see this show the first time around; however, I think I deserve these tickets just as much, if not more, than anyone else.

As soon as the word of this show was posted on metalsucks, around November, I went nuts. I have been into BTBAM since 2003. BTBAM are from my home state, North Carolina, and my old band actually opened for them a few years ago. I remember seeing Dusty in the crowd and I almost lost my shit. I was too embarrassed to even talk to any of the BTBAM dudes after the show. I would like the chance to actually conversate with Tommy, Paul, Dusty, Dan, and Blake, and not feel like a retard. Not to mention, hear the new album live.

If BTBAM isn’t enough, Hevy Devy himself making his first rounds of the country in 3 years. I saw him with STY back in 05′ and I was amazed. How could someone talk so much shit to the crowd and still be loved by everyone there? Though his stage demeanor has changed, Devin still has and awesome stage presence. Anyway, I think I have listened to “Addicted” and “Ki” a hundred times each. Each are phenomenal and emotionally moving albums. I really want to experience it live. Plus, I would kill for the chance to hear anything from Ziltoid live…

On top of all that, my car has no heat and it’s finally back to 60 degree winter in Ga. Ha Cha Cha!

Preface:

A messiah like tour has finally arrived in this blighted metal starved land. Truly the Old Norse gods have smiled upon us; either that, or this show heralds some sort of apocalyptic trigger that will melt the faces of the audience (Raiders of the Lost Ark style) at the Bijou. While our friends in BTBAM do not hail from the cold, dead, North, they still evoke that primal sense of brutality that is the essence of contemporary (arguably progressive) black metal. Between you and me, I must say that BTBAM outperformed In Flames a couple of months back. Barring BTBAM’s recent concert, I have not seen such awesome music fall on Knoxville since the great Opeth and Enslaved viking invasion of 2008. I still remember stumbling out of that concert and experiencing massive failure after being called upon in class the next day to lead discussion in readings. I’ll do it again though, baby.

Distinguished:

Unlike other posters who try to bust into whatever is left of your heart with tales of children and military experience, I offer only a genuine love and knowledge of heavy metal. I derive most of my taste from the cold, barren, North in the form Norwegian black metal and Swedish death metal. BTBAM has implemented this style in a manner that is rarely seen on these shores. Most importantly, I want to shake Tommy’s hand and thank him for shutting up every single critic of keys in metal through his music. His vocals and keys drown out the elitism of purists of the genre who would have us recording on 8-tracks in the middle of the forest, using only a rusted 92 Fender purchased at a local flea market. Tommy is the consummate example of how keyboard parts and innovation push the boundaries of sub-genres in metal.

Qualifications:

I bleed metal. I am pursuing a graduate degree in one of the most conservative fields known to man but retain (publicly) a love for metal. Does it help that I’ve gone in full corpse paint to UT graduate school functions, circa 1990′s Immortal style? How about that time at age 15 when I presented a formal paper in an inner-city school about the decline of popular music, importance of metal, and contribution Devin Townsend has made to progressive metal? Or that time when I was so drunk that I sung Helloween’s entire “Keeper of the Seven Keys” album(s) at full volume in public bars? I must confess that I am a devote follower of Devin. I remember the first time I heard Ocean Machine in high school and proceeded to listen through the album during every class for the next two weeks. Almost was suspended. Those were the days.

Bonuses for the Band:

I come bearing hot chicks from my graduate studies program at UT. Hot, well educated, chicks who will be dying to meet fabled metal musicians. What else could these fine upstanding gentlemen want?

Oh, Devin…:

Devin Townsend shares a spot with Mikael Akerfeldt as my favorite musician of all time. From the first time I heard Ocean Machine at age 13, I was hooked on just about every album that came out of Heavy Devy’s studios. As a bald man, I feel that I share an innate empathetic link to Infinity-era Devin (which has been reborn following Ki). But seriously, Devin is such a musical inspiration.

In Closing:

Help me overcome my post Dimmu-Borgir collapse depression (or convince Vortex and Hellhammer to reform Arcturus). This would be a dream come true. At the very least – if you grant me these tickets, I won’t be tempted to tell Ziltoid that you have horded the last cups of fine Colombian coffee.