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A FEW THINGS YOU WON’T SEE WHEN VH1 AIRS THE GOLDEN GOD AWARDS

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When you tune into the premiere broadcast of The Second Annual Revolver Golden Gods Awards tomorrow night on VH1 classic, you’ll see the final public appearance of our beloved Ronnie James Dio. You’ll also see Jerry Cantrell and Mike Inez of Alice In Chains, winner of roughly half of the meaningful awards, enjoying the metal community’s validation of their potentially dicey comeback effort, the magnificent Black Gives Way To Blue. You’ll see metal codgers like Rob Halford, Alice Cooper, Ozzy Osbourne, and Lemmy bathe in much-deserved adulation. You’ll also see potentially ho-hum performances pumped up by mega-drummers: Rob Zombie with Joey Jordison (in his debut performance), Fear Factory with Gene Hoglan, Brian Posehn with John Tempesta (and Brett Anderson girl call me srsly) and Slash with Dave Grohl.

But at a mere 60 minutes, the broadcast can’t capture all of the April 8 event’s super moments and silly gaffes. Here’s a few things you won’t see:

The Smile Fest outside – As detailed in Wednesday’s gooey Dio remembrance, the mood during the pre-show press activities outside the Nokia Theater was borderline euphoric and marked by more man-on-man hugging than a bear porn edited for TV. Alice Cooper, as it turns out, is a serial cuddler while Lemmy blocked all advances with his Corey Parks-shaped human shield; no one even stepped to Kerry King so I considered giving his tummy a two-handed jiggle. Resisting that temptation was easy cuz I value my face.

The Hate Factions inside – Rock writers are occasionally accused of being glorified hecklers, an assertion that discounts the fact that a heckler’s aim is to disrupt the show, not quietly talk shit about the show when necessary. I might sound defensive here, but let no one fucking point out some imagined irony of my pointing out that hecklers suck and should routinely be ejected by catapult from shows. Now, sure, the Golden Gods organizers cultivate hecklers by charging admission to a broadcast taping; it’s kinda the rule to either treat the event as a live show (no do-overs/sell tickets like at The Oscars) or as a taping (re-takes ok/first-come free admission a la Jeopardy). Just don’t expect people to fork over $50 and deal with sound issues, flubs, and two doses of Brian Posehn & Friends. At very least, respect ticketholders by instructing security staff to kick hecklers the fuck out. Shit, co-host Chris Jericho would’ve volunteered.

The Donnas diss Don – VH1’s That Metal Show hosts Eddie Trunk, Don Jamison, and ugh Jim Florentine had a busy night interviewing pretty much every important metal musician of the past twenty years. At one of several breaks for cosmetic touch-ups, Jamison hailed the women of The Donnas from his perch above the Black Carpet. His hello seemed friendly yet the foursome sauntered past totally expressionless. Ouch. He probably would’ve settled for a belch.

Dio touches me — in more than one sense – I’m a super journalist and lovable guy, a fact not lost on Ronnie James Dio (read all about it here). Or maybe it was just that the cuddle party was spilling over from the Black Carpet. That would explain why Dave Mustaine had his hand in my pants.

Crowd unanimously boos picture of Metallica’s rhythm section – Last year, Death Magnetic won for Best Record for some reason and the Metallicads were not in attendance. This year, in an only microscopically more credible move, Revolver bestowed on Metallica the Best Live Band trophy; represented by Lars and Rob, the band sent a video acceptance speech which was greeted with a torrent of crowd jeers. At this rate, the 2011 show will find Metallica Fed-Exing a shoe to accept the Best Drummer award.

Danny Trejo goes topless for the greater good – By Rob Zombie’s much-delayed closing performance (hi John 5!), more than a few audience members were bellowing angrily like meth-addled boars. To help quell the uproar, Breaking Bad guest star Danny Trejo took center stage and obligingly removed his shirt. Actually, that might make the broadcast cut.

The Second Annual Revolver Golden Gods Awards airs 10/9 central on VH1 Classic.

-ADF

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