Question of the Week

Question Of The Week: Secret Satan Santa

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Question: How many awesome people does it take to awesome-ify a heavy metal website? Answer: A million! Think about it: Without our zany heavy metal heroes, we’d have no music to laud/loathe and no antics to cheer/jeer! Without our sprawling network of contacts, tipsters, and helpers, we’d sleep on breaking news! Without our crack staff, we’d have no killer reviews, interviews, analysis, and weird op pieces. Without our readers, we’d be … nothing really lol.

So allow us to express our huge thanks to u, dear readers, supporters, friends, well-wishers, cronies, and toadies, for all your love (and misplaced frustration) in 2012! Let us love u back in today’s MetalSucks Question Of The Week. It’s the year’s final one!

Fearless. Controversial. Half-baked. We give it to you straight every Friday afternoon. Straight into a new year of metal madness! Here’s this week’s question:


Inspired by the holiday spirit of love and giving, we asked our staff the following:

If all of Metal participated in a massive, random Secret Santa, whose name would u hope to draw?

Read the MS Staff’s awesome answers and reply for yourself below!


I’d hope for a chance to honor Revocation with a fancy, new touring van. Theirs went to shit on their current tour with The Faceless — which wraps tonight in Tucson — and they were forced to make do with a rental. And in light of their exhaustive tour schedule, I’d say that a reliable, comfortable van is kinda necessary. Why are they most deserving of a gift? I’m not gonna say “they’re the best band out there” — you know me, I’m a doom and black metal gal. However, they are awesome dudes and the hardest-working musicians I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. Their music is their passion and their lifeblood, and they love sharing that with the metal masses on tour. That’s so van-worthy!


My fingers and toes would be crossed in hopes of drawing Iron Maiden guitarist Adrian Smith, to whom I would gift a life-sized speaking Anso DF doll. At thousands of random times each day, it would blurt out “Adrian is king! King Kong!!” and “That’s some sweet-ass tone, brah!” and “Nice jeans!” and “Lovvve Uuuuuu” and stuff. But my holiday spirit doesn’t stop there: Since NASA constructed this Anso doll back in 2009, my untouched gift budget for 2012 would go to gathering all MetalSucks editorial, writers, interns, guest columnists, and staff for a blowout bacchanal at CPK with our tireless genius counterparts in heavy metal publicity, management, media, and production. Think of the action! Me, Kelli Malella, and Nikki Law square off in a penne-eating contest; Axl and Doc devour a three-tiered cheesecake with one fork; Leyla and Kellhammer captain teams for Campari boat races; Vince’s and Eyal‘s beards get glued together. Sergeant D., Andrew Bonazelli, and Sammy O’H.? Naked as jaybirds and half as coherent! Then a massive group hug photo before the inevitable barfing! Happy holidays to all!!


I’d approach the drawing bucket tingling with the anticipation of getting Glenn Danzig or Erik Rutan. But then, in that room full of dudes (because come on) who no doubt smell awful, I’d see sad Paul Di’Anno standing solo in the corner. His expression would give away his despair at another giftless Christmas in his studio apartment overlooking a disused stripmine. So once I drew a slip of paper, I’d look over at my giftee — let’s say, Josh Homme — who’d return my wink with a nod and smile. Then I’d turn to Di’Anno and exclaim that I’d just pulled his name. Overjoyed, Di’Anno would stumble over, offer some quasi-nice words through breath reeking of old lunchmeat and Winstons, and clap me on the shoulder. In thanks, he’d warble a few bars of “Murders in the Rue Morgue” interrupted by a bout of hoarse coughs. That’s when I’d break the bad news: “OH PAUL, JESUS FUCK, NO! STOP SINGING! I REALLY DREW JOSH HOMME! STOP! STOPPP!” Then Homme and I would split to do a ton of peyote and talk about Kyuss. Because that, MetalSucks faithful, is what Christmas is all about.


I’d like the chance to thank Devin Townsend for his constant visits to the MetalSucks Mansion with a pile of chicken and waffles. Man needs energy to sustain both his flatulence and the continuous insertion of his genitals into our throats.


Lars Ulrich. I know just what to get him.



I’d want to hook up Necros Christos, Knelt Rote, Bastard Sapling and Wildernessking with plane tickets to Europe (so they could come over and tour), give Wino a year’s supply of paint markers and Jack Daniels, get Marissa Martinez a sexy new guitar and some Clinique Black Honey lipstick, and send Fenriz some mittens because he is adorable and Norway is fucking cold.


On behalf of everyone even remotely associated with metal, I will make a donation to the Human Fund.


We love u people srs! See u all in 2013!  

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