Shit That Comes Out Today

Sh*t That F’n Comes Out Today: April 23, 2013

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Lair of the Minotaur - Godslayer

This week’s Shit That Fucking Comes Out Today (okay, I wanted to add my favorite word to the name of the column for this week, sue me!) features a hella ton of powah metal, and a bit of some other good shit too, as you’d expect. So turn down the treble just a tad and don some motherfucking battle gear cause you’re going to WAR! Or, you know, you can just sit there in your room/dorm/apartment/asylum/jungle and try to resist the sexual ooze of these musical uppers. Dare ya. BTW, this is me right now.

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Age Of ArtemisAge of Artemis
Overcoming Limits (Nightmare)
On a playlist with: Manowar, Angra, Rhapsody
Listen “Truth in Your Eyes” and “Take Me Home” (here)

So today I woke up, eyes glued shut with boogers, brain microwaved, and hungover as usual, and I said to myself, “Self, today is really gonna be a bundle of fucksticks, ain’t that so.” Then I lined up Age Of Artemis’ “Truth in Your Eyes” for the first jam of the day, and suddenly the skies cleared. The clouds dispersed, the sun shot through, and before I knew it, I was wearing a one-piece glitter jumpsuit (which made my junk look mega, by the way), and only then did I shit out a holy goddamn eagle who started to belt “Trrruuuuthhhh in your eyyyyesss” atop nutty wanker arpeggios and triplet choruses, and all was right and well and good and powerful and I ascended into the heavens where Five Guys Burgers and Fries is free and unlimited. Oh sweet lordy lord. Drool.

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empyriosEmpYrios
Zion (Scarlet)
On a playlist with: DevilDriver, Bury Your Dead, Heartist
Listen “Masters” (here)

So, djent and powah just had a little bastard child, and I’m gonna adopt the little fucker. Seriously, where are the papers. The opening riff of “Masters” (above) is the catchiest thing you’re going to hear all day, and I’ll put 20 spacebucks on the table to guarantee it. Uh, what else: The solo rips skin, the vocalist has the pipes of god, it’s well-produced, and it even has a little electronic-feel outro so you can smoothly clean up the mess you just made in your pants and on whomever/whatever was standing in front of you at the time. Plus, it has vibrato powahhhh belts and downtuned shit-chugs which could shake Excalibur right out of the fucking stone and then hack your ass to death with it! Plus the fuckers are Italian! Dove sono i gabinetti?

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ColdBlueMountainCold Blue Mountain
Cold Blue Mountain (Vulture Print)
On a playlist with: Evoken, Esoteric, Shape of Despair
Listen Cold Blue Mountain full stream (here)

Okay, so if today you’re not feeling like being amped up the ass with electricity, check out the premiere postmetal release for this week: Cold Blue Mountain is liquidy smooth, dynamic, and perfect for going home forever alone late at night (aw, so sad). Perfectly balanced with speed-ups and slow-downs, little in-and-out fuzz-distortion licks, and halfway decent vocals, so you can probably extract some powerful mood waves from this. Granted, the entire album sits like a rock in your stomach. Which is good, you know, if you’re into eating rocks or just feeling that way. Pop some Tums, weirdo, dissolve that shit.

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Shining - One One OneShining
One One One (Prosthetic)
On a playlist with: Kvelertak, Baroness, Kylesa
Listen “Off the Hook”, “My Dying Drive”, “The One Inside”, “Blackjazz Rebels” (here)

Who the hell hasn’t heard of Shining? Well if you haven’t, fucking change that right now. These Norweigian fjord-swimming champions of kind-of a new genre that they may or may not have invented have all the elements necessary to tease-tickle you pink and hard, and then smash your shit to tiny little bits with starship-hooooge choruses. Do check out all four songs (above) and make your own comparisons: Each is definitively Shining-esque, obviously, but somehow special in it’s own standalone right. For me, that signals clearly that a band is onto something fucking cohesive and delicious. Uh, plus they play all kinds of instruments and wear black and løøk wicked bådåss.

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Red Eleven Idiot  FactoryRed Eleven
Idiot Factory (Secret)
On a playlist with: Black Label Society, Destrage, Down
Listen “Stuck On This Feeling Of Feeling Nothing” (here)

I don’t really eat up albumized bar music, but here’s an exception. Yeah, I’d much rather see these guys live in a basement somewhere, swimming in IPA and sweat and cash-money (oh I wish), but they put on a decent rock-metal ass-kicking session in video form. You’re not gonna find any non-traditional song structures or cock-mangling chording and noodling, but you’ll find a solid groove with a barn-burning opening riff, mean sizzle from some of the best distortion I’ve heard in a while, and enough swing to pick your lazy ass up on this Tuesday and turn you into a human purée. I exaggerate! But really, punch shit.

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Rob Zombie - Venomous Rat Regeneration VendorRob Zombie
Venomous Rat Regeneration Vendor (Zodiac Swan/UMe)
On a playlist with: Die Antwoord’s “I Fink U Freeky”, newer Ozzy, hard rock radio
Listen “Dead City Radio And The New Gods Of Supertown” (here)

Save the worst for last! Let’s make it clear. What’s good about Robert Bartleh Cummings: His films range from decent to pretty damn good, he’s got some style, he’s got $$$ to copper-polish his musical and visual productions, and John 5 plays for him. What’s bad: His fucking song. Okay, so I wouldn’t say “Dead City Radio …” is total shite in terms of instrumentality, as it does retain John 5’s metallic burn and pentatonic swing, but I’m just perpetually annoyed by Zombie’s vocals and content and the entire arrangement of the fuckin’ thing — annoyed to the point of this. Shit is played out, okay? The only thing I remember actually enjoying, music-wise, was his short cameo in The Matrix, but then I got distracted by Carrie-Ann Moss (not like Keanu Reeves is any competition, derrr). Anyway, check it out, and I promise we won’t hate ya if you actually like it!

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Blue MurderSHIT THAT CAME OUT ON RECORD STORE DAY

Across Tundras / Lark’s Tongue split (Cavity) listen
August Burns Red / Silverstein split listen
¤ Lair Of The Minotaur Godslayer EP (The Grind-House) listen
Touche Amore / Title Fight split listen

 

OTHER SHIT THAT COMES OUT TODAY

Cult Of The FoxAce Augustine The Sick And Suffering (Red Cord) listen
Amarok / Hell split (Vulture Print)
Beastwars Blood Becomes Fire (Destroy) listen listen
» Blue Murder Blue Murder reissue (Rock Candy) listen
Chasma Codex Constellatia (Moribund) listen
» Cult Of The Fox Angelsbane (Rock It Up) listen
D-A-D Dic.Nii.Lan.Daft.Erd.Ark deluxe (AFM)
Geoff Tate’s Queensryche Frequency Unknown (Cleopatra) listen listen
ID Exorcist Paths To Exile» ID: Exorcist Paths To Exile (Inverse) listen
Kaledon Altor: The King’s Blacksmith (Scarlet) listen
Laurasia Awaits Us Apathy Remains Victorious (Domestic Genocide) listen
Lothlöryen Raving Souls Society (Nightmare) listen
» Nahar The Strange Inconvenience (Avantgarde) listen
Nicumo The End Of Silence (Inverse) listen
Nocturne Ave Noctem (Do Or Die) listen
Roots Of Pain Countdown To Armageddon (Memorial) listen
Nahar The Strange InconvenienceSnowfall Cold Silence (Escape) listen
Still Alive Kyo (Nightmare) listen
Teardown Inner Distortions (Inverse) listen listen
Thaw Thaw (Avantgarde) listen
Vehement Serenade The Things That Tear You Apart (Fast Break!) listen
War & Peace The Flesh and Blood Sessions reissue (Deadline) listen
Whitesnake Made In Japan CD/DVD (Frontiers) watch
Woe Withdrawal (Candlelight) listen listen
XIII Helltongue (Inverse) listen

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