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Public Safety Announcement: Dirge Within Have Changed Their Name

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dirge within bloodline

Dirge Within, one of the most execrable bands in all of metal, have changed their name to The Bloodline. So now you know: if anyone asks you if you wanna hear The Bloodline, it’s not some new band you’ve never heard of, it’s Dirge Within. So you can politely tell the person offering to play you The Bloodline, “Go fuck yourself.”

Although you might think the change in moniker is part of an effort to fool people into not realizing who they are, thereby allowing themselves a fresh creative start, the reasons are actually far dumber, according to a statement from the band which they apparently  wrote themselves and then released without bothering to run it by a publicist, manager, or random eighth grader first.

Here is said statement, along with my comments:

“The BLOODLINE ………”

I don’t know why people struggle so mightily with ellipses, but just to settle this once and for all, they get three periods. THREE. Not two. Not nine. Three.

I also don’t know why you would only capitalize have your name for emphasis. That would be like calling your website MetalSucks and having no space between the words “metal” and “sucks” for no discernible reason.

“The birth of of this band may come to some of you as a surprise, yet it was for the right reasons in many ways.”

It’s really more of a rechristening than a birth, but I’ll let it slide because “rechristening” has a lot of syllables in it and I wouldn’t want the dudes in the band to give themselves headaches.

What I can’t forgive, however, is the improper use of the word “yet.” It suggests a contrast — e.g., “You would think that, being grown men, the dudes in Dirge Within/The BLOODLINE would know how to read and write, yet all evidence suggests that this is not the case.” But in the band’s statement, “yet” contrasts the anticipated surprise of fans with the band’s reasons for changing their name. Which, as anyone who knows what the word “contrast” means already understands, is not a contrast. They could have said “The rechristening of this band may come to some of you as a surprise, but we’ve been dropping hints we were going to do this for some time,” thereby contrasting the anticipated surprise of fans with the fact that those fans shouldn’t be surprised. Or they could have said “Some of you may have cynical doubts as to the cause of our decision, but we promise it was for the right reasons.” But instead they just wrote this crap in crayon and moved on.

And the worst part is the use of the phrase “in many ways.” Because it suggests that in some ways, the band’s rechristening is for the wrong reasons. It implies, once again, a contrast. In this case, one not flattering to the band. So.

Moving on:

“We are very excited about the material in this New Album.”

Why is “New Album” capitalized? Is it called New Album?

“We have taken the time to perfectly craft these songs and are beyond proud of the sacrifices we have all put into this writing process.”

That’s fair enough.

“Groove, Melody and Intensity all come to mind, but we would rather let YOU the listener determine as such.”

Why are the words “groove,” “melody,” and “intensity” all capitalized?

More pressingly, why the crap does “Groove, Melody and Intensity all come to mind” even mean? Groove, melody and intensity all come to mind when you listen to your new material? When you eat bananas? When you take a dump?

And even more pressingly, that is just not the right way to use “as such.” Like, at all. I think they meant “as much” but I dunno for sure. That would still be a weird sentence, but at least it would kinda-sorta mean something.

“Also regarding ‘DIRGE WITHIN’…”

Well that was a weird segue. So basically the structure of this statement is “Tell people we have a new name, promise them we have legit reasons for changing our name, do not discuss those reasons in favor of saying how awesome our new album is, explain reasons for changing our name, out.” It’s pretty bizarre.

“…we all felt it was best, once we began writing the new music, it truly took on a new life of it’s own, all of us felt it was best to admit this is not Dirge Within in many ways.”

Why is this written like an interrupted thought? Do you think they just dictated it to Siri and didn’t bother to make any corrections before posting it?

“As well as the four of us do not want to limit our selves in any form as musicians…

“From that, The Bloodline is born and this heart is pounding…”

“As well as” is a weird way to begin a sentence (one usually sees it after a comma — contrast is really a problem for these bros), and it seems like they’re missing a word or two after “that,” but at least they got the right number of periods in an ellipses so baby steps, I guess.

I look forward to reading whatever it is these guys release next time they choose to write a public statement themselves.

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