Question of the Week

Question Of The Week: Slightly Goldener Gods

0
Banner by Cysquatch
Banner by Cysquatch

The Revolver Golden Gods event is awesome, a super hang and night-long hugfest. We at MS always go and enjoy the fun that pleasantly forces itself on us and then picks up the check. Said fun starts before the show in the promenade alley between its venue, Club Nokia, and its neighbor in the L.A. Live complex; this swath is thick with milling dudes gabbing. Inside, there’s a performance or two to like, another couple to use as breaks; nearly every presenter is worth beaming at lovingly. Afterward, you partay wildly with your brahs. It’s killer. 

The actual awards aren’t that great. We accept that it’s smart to cater to your customers by honoring their favorites. (If we turn that point inside out, we can also see that none of us subscribe to Revolver so our idea of legitimacy is of zero concern to any decision-maker in their organization.) So today we’re not objecting or anything — just nagging. (Huge difference. You nag those you love.) In particular we are smiling with pursed lips about the award that honors vocalists. Even its nominees would struggle to dispute that the group is dominated by the auto-tuned, tone-deaf, and one-noted. So today in this QOTW we’ll take a crack at it?

Inspired by the nominees for the 2014 Revolver Golden Gods Awards, we asked our staff:

You’ve just been assigned job of re-setting the nominees for Best Vocalist at this year’s Revolver Golden Gods Awards. Taking care to consider the nature and needs of this event and its creators, you shall select six vocalists who represent the best in loud music.

Can you do better than the gang at the GGs?

·

excretakano qotwEXCRETAKANO

  • Jeff Walker (Carcass) — Walker’s voice brings those Carcass songs to life, then makes them bleed and bleed.
  • Chance Garnette (Skeletonwitch) — Consistently icy, despite his bandmates’ attempts to musically thaw the room.
  • Joseph E Martinez (Junius) — Brilliant. No explanation necessary.
  • Mike Patton (Tomahawk) — Because he’s Mike Fucking Patton, that’s why. And because Maynard James Keenan wasn’t available.
  • Garrett Gazay (Secrets of the Sky) — Rules. Every style of singing falls to this man’s dominant throat. He would win, except …
  • Greg Puciato (Dillinger Escape Plan) — WINNER. Savage, artful, opinionated, incapable of sucking. Unmatched.

·

Gore Vidal qotw“GORE” VIDAL

  • Chino Moreno (Crosses). Because Crosses proves the Deftones vocalist can eviscerate pop and electronic as well.
  • Kvohst (Beastmilk) A perfectly dour voice for the gloomiest of post-punk.
  • Jill Janus (Huntress) — If gender isn’t a criteria. Like an 80s metal goddess. Plus: boobs. [Note: I can say this. I’m friends with her.]
  • Chance Garnette (Skeletonwitch) — In a genre striving for evil, the one guy who brings it.
  • Michael Poulsen (Volbeat) — The singer of the only Active Rock band that doesn’t deserve of a painful death. Gotta count for something.

WINNER: Chino Moreno. Mainly for covering “Goodbye Horses” (below).

·

Anso DF qotwANSO DF

  • Tony Foresta (Iron Reagan, Municipal Waste) — Range is not the be all end all.
  • Schuylar Croom (He Is Legend) — Like another nominee (below), an exceptional singer thriving in the wasteland of his genre.
  • Michael Starr (Steel Panther) — If David Lee Roth could sing his ass off …
  • Silje Tombre (Blood Command) — A thrilling singer who doesn’t have to be cuz she has one of those awesome voices.
  • Chino Moreno (Crosses, Deftones) — The Steven Tyler of post-nu-metal.
  • Erik Danielsson (Watain) — I hear every single word he screams.

WINNER: Michael Starr. He’s Tom Hanks before his crossover from comedy to drama.

·

David Lee Rothmund 100DAVID LEE ROTHMUND

  • Peter Dolving (ex-The Haunted)
  • Spencer Sotelo (Periphery)
  • Gregory Puciato (The Dillinger Escape Plan)
  • Papa Emeritus II (Ghost B.C.)
  • Rody Walker (Protest the Hero)
  • Loïc Rossetti (The Ocean)

WINNER: Spencer Soleto

·

Metal Sucks Greatest Hits