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Necessary Roughness Week 1: Football’s Back!!!

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What the hell happened? This week started off soooooo good!

Oh my goodness. That was a hell of a Thursday night. To watch the Patriots lose is always a good time. To watch them lose at home in primetime to open the season after the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history? There are almost no words. What got into Alex Smith? And how many times are the Chiefs going to draft amazing running backs? They are on one hell of a run when it comes to their runners. If the Chargers are any good, the AFC West is going to be downright hostile this season.

Speaking of the AFC West, the Raiders entered Sunday as 3.5 point underdogs against the Titans. That was free money as far as I was concerned. I know the Titans are on the up, but that one was a lock. The Titans played well in a great game, but the Raiders are on another level. The addition of Marshawn Lynch is obviously a really good one. He made his presence felt and silenced anyone who doubted he could come out of retirement and ball by grinding out 76 yards on 18 carries. You never want that dude barreling toward you.

Of course, Derek Carr looked every bit as good as last year, hooking up with Amari Cooper and Michael Crabtree for a few 20+ yard throws. I think Jared Cook is about to have the breakout season he was supposed to have in Green Bay last year, too!

Bloggers like to whine that there are no good QBs coming up. While this week saw Tom Savage start against Blake Bortles down in Houston, guys like Derek Carr and Marcus Mariotta defy that. Carr’s only in his fourth year and Mariotta in his third. Just because they weren’t rookies of the year, or the next coming of Tom Brady doesn’t mean we won’t get a lot of awesome years watching them. Hey, maybe even Jared Goff is good! After all, Troy Aikman started his career with 11 straight losses…

I remember the Seahawks’ O-line sucking last year, but yesterday they were completely and totally overwhelmed against the Packers. Poor Russel Wilson is going to have both his legs and his brain completely obliterated this year if they don’t figure something out. I wonder why Marshawn hung it up before last season?

Luckily Russ can scramble and do stuff like this:

I can’t help but think it would be better if he was able to do stuff like this:

I’d say they are the worst O-line in the league, but that would be doing a disservice to another supposed Super Bowl contender.

Ugh. Goddamnit, Giants! I should have known better. I jumped right on the hype train with everyone else but I totally forgot we have a quintet of wet paper bags for an offensive line. They looked out of gas from the jump. Without Odell threatening to break the game open on literally any play, who is the threat? Our line can’t open holes for our backs and they can’t hold off the D long enough to let Eli make anything happen. On the other sideline, supposedly suspended second year running back Ezekiel Elliot ran for 104 yards on just 23 carries. The Giants D did all they could, but the Cowboys got something like 45 plays off in the first half!

Also, way to go, Jason Witten! Do something at juuuuuuust high enough a level long enough and you too can break the records of the truly gifted, spectacular and cocaine-fueled legends who came before you. Couldn’t happen to a more bland guy!

Fantasy Pimp Of The Week

Before I get to this, has anyone else noticed that the Official NFL Fantasy App™ is significantly harder to use this year? Or am I crazy/just getting old? Searching for players sucks, making waiver claims is less intuitive. I dunno. Get off my lawn.

This week, the obvious pick is rookie Kareem Hunt! But the slightly less obvious pick is 13 year veteran Alex Smith! You both win!

 

Even more baffling, who the hell is this guy?

Some random thoughts!

How does the NFL always seem to make these crazy Week 1 matchups happen? I know most divisions will have at least one rivalry matchup to kick the season off, but doesn’t it seem odd that the Packers and Seahawks played today? It’s like it’s scripted: Eddie Lacy gets some kinda whack ‘revenge’ storyline and Michael and Martellus Bennett are against each other a week after some pig threatened to blow Michael’s head off. Same for the Vikings/Saints game tonight. Adrian Peterson wants to “stick it” to the Vikings (you know, the team that drafted him, paid him millions and stuck with him through his yearlong suspension for abusing his kid…) The NFL should not be this lucky.

Ah shit, there’s two Watt brothers, now.

Are there any more of these guys hanging out in a Wisconsin cabin bench pressing each other and eating raw Badger for breakfast?

The “Fox Box” has reached its final form. It only took until 2017 for the scorebox to look like it’s in 2010. Whoever was in charge of this change should get a 100% raise. So clean!

Are the Rams good now? I was really worried when the NFL app autodrafted me both Sammy Watkins and Todd Gurley, but now I look like a genius. The Colts are a dumpster fire, but still… 46-9? Is Jeff Fisher THAT bad of a coach? Are the new helmets just THAT good looking? I need some answers!

Playlist for Giants Fans

sad-eliLast year, I used this spot to think about what Rob Ryan would be listening to as he drank away all his football knowledge. Since the Ryan boys are outta the league, I’m going to make a playlist for my fellow NYG fans. I have a feeling this is going to be a downright schizophrenic playlist. This week’s pick is “Land of Confusion” by Genesis. I’m so confused! Eli’s so confused! I thought they were good!


Hey by the way, my band Black Table is hitting the road on Friday. I’ll be writing this from Fort Wayne, IN next Sunday. If anyone wants to watch football on any of the Sunday dates (coughcough or play Magic: The Gathering coughcough), get in touch!

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