MetalSucks

Last week, The Deciblog – which I adore and respect with every ounce of my being – posted a guest blog by Leaves’ Eyes vocalist Liv Kristine. It was entitled “Top 5 Reasons Why Females in Metal Rule.” And it was total fucking bullshit.

I’m not saying that the concept is total fucking bullshit – I really have no problem whatsoever with women in metal. I’m saying this blog, in particular, was total bullshit. It in no way, shape, or form made an argument for why females in metal rule.

Elise over at Reign in Blonde – a woman herself, doncha know! – contemplated writing a response entitled “TOP 5  REASONS WHY LIV KRISTINE CAN SUCK IT,” but ultimately opted not to. So I asked her if I could write said response, and she graciously granted me permission. So here we go.

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Speaking of Decibel: their, um, let’s call it an “electronic division,” The Deciblog, has gotten Children of Bodom main man Alexi Laiho to supply his top five metal riffs of all time. (Thus the headline. Ah-duh.) If somebody asked me to do that, I’d probably blow my brains out, so props to Alexi for giving it a shot.

As we know first hand here at MS, posting any list like this is an open invitation for a shitstorm to rain down upon your head, but I suspect that Alexi’s list especially will cause arguments. I believe this will be the case for two reasons:

1. He’s Alexi fuckin’ Laiho, not some blogger.
2. He put a Black Label Society riff on the list.

Read the entire list here, then come back and get embroiled in some good old fashioned name-calling.

And don’t forget that we’re currently running a contest where you can impersonate Alexi for a chance to win an ESP Alexi Laiho Signature Series LTD AL-600 Scythe guitar! Enter that shit now!

-AR

On the way to Friday’s final-U.S.-appearance-ever Burnt by the Sun show, Axl and I were lamenting how fucking tough it is going to be to chose ten favorite albums at year’s end. Even in early August our preliminary lists of favorites hinted that some difficult choices would be in store, but with new albums out now or about to be released by Revocation, Converge, Between the Buried and Me, Baroness and more, this December shit is gonna get real, son. What’s even tougher is trying to remain unbiased when it comes to judging albums I’m super-stoked on because they’re new to me (i.e. Revocation) vs. albums that seem like old news already because they came out all the way back in January (i.e. Obscura).

Thankfully, Elise at Reign in Blonde has a solution: match up albums based on album cover similarity, and choose the winners from there. Way easier, more efficient, and less heart-breaking.

What are your top picks of ‘09?

-VN

[PS: If you've got a spare moment, go vote in ex-Metal Edge editor-in-chief Phil Freeman's poll]

In honor of Alaskan metalcore band 36 Crazyfists’ new DVD, Under a Northern Sky (in stores October 27), a list of 35 other famous, metal, heavy, and/or crazy fists:

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Another day, another silly but undeniably fun Top 10 list by our friend Carlos Ramirez over at Noisecreep (see also: The Top 10 Bush-era Anthrax songs, Top 10 New School Thrash Bands and The Top Ten High-Pitch Metal Singers of All Time). This week’s topic du jour, The Top 10 Guitarists of the “Shred Era,” which Ramirez clarifies thusly:

The style first rose to fame in the mid-1980s when guitarists started rocking classical influenced scales played at frenzied speeds… Legendary guitarists Uli Jon Roth, Al DiMeola and Eddie Van Halen helped inform the movement while a guy in California named Mike Varney served as scene’s biggest cheerleader and supporter. Through his Shrapnel Records, Varney not only discovered and produced many of the scene’s headliners, his very own Shrapnel Records would go on to become to shred what Motown was to soul music.

As usual, Ramirez is mostly spot on. Michael Angelo Batio — check. Yngwie — check. George Lynch — check. The only obvious omission I can find (I’m sure you guys will have plenty of gripes, though) is that of Vinnie Vincent, one-time KISS guitarist and all-time uber/psycho/insane/batshit shredder extraordinaire. We actually have a shrine dedicated to Vinnie Vincent in the corner opposite the shitter in the MS Mansion bathroom. Nothing quite inspires efficient crapping like the photo of Vinnie Vincent’s face you see on the right. No joke.

Go on over to Noisecreep to read the list, then come back here and tell us “OMG i can’t believe ____ was left off the list, wtf?!?!”

-VN

I think that William DuVall is ready for his close-up. Black Gives Way to Blue kills, and proves that Alice in Chains have done what even the most cynical of us (namely, me) thought was impossible: this band can carry on without Layne Staley. And, yes, Jerry Cantrell deserves a BJ or twelve for that fact, but this would be just a glorified make-over for Cantrell’s solo band if DuVall wasn’t a killer front man.

So. MetalSucks Maniac Amanda Dobbs has tipped us off to the fact that DuVall has made a list of ten songs that “blow him away” for AOL. And while there’s a goodly amount of rock on the list, it’s probably not what you expect. I don’t wanna spoil it here, but… the most recent song on the list was recorded in 1971. So if you were hoping for some metal… stop.

But they’re all great songs, and give some real insight into where DuVall is coming from. Check out the list here.

-AR

The fine folks at the unfuckwithable Deciblog have published a list of the Top 10 Manliest Metal Album Covers of all time, and the results are extremely manly indeed. I was thrilled at the inclusion of Accept’s super-studly Balls to the Wall, and not one but two Manowar covers. My only suggestion would have been Poison’s uber-hetero Look What the Cat Dragged In, but I’m sure Decibel would rather shut its doors forever than proclaim anything by Poison manly in the slightest.

On Accept, those German stud-machines, who came in at #4:

Uh, this album cover has been poured over by many a metalhead. What does it mean? What are Accept trying to communicate here? Should I feel slightly uncomfortable when I gaze upon this man’s sweaty/hairy tensed-up leg? Why is he holding a ball? What type of ball is it? It looks hard. How do I know this? Well, the man’s veins are showing. Not his main vein (thank Thor in a g-string!), but the veins in his hand. All these years and we still haven’t reached a conclusion. And, yes, even now we’re slightly uncomfortable.

Touche.

-VN

Here at the MS Mansion we make no apologies about being staunch John Bush supporters. Way before the current Dan Nelson fracas, way back in the prebuscent MetalSucks days of March 2007, we wrote an open letter to John Bush encouraging him to come back into the fold. We even accidentally started a rumor that ex-Ugly Kid Joe frontman Whitfield Crane would be a suitable Bush replacement, and nearly shit our pants when it was rumored that Corey Taylor was up for the job (remember that?)… but there’s no Bush like the real Bush. Needless to say we were beyond stoked when Bush rejoined the band for a few European gigs last month.

Friend O’ MetalSucks and fellow John Bush-supporter Carlos Ramirez has compiled a list for Noisecreep of the Top 10 John Bush-era songs, and the free streaming mp3s contained therein (!!!) provided the soundtrack for my afternoon smoke-a-thon yesterday. The list is top notch and reminds us just why we love John Bush so much. The one oversight is the omission of “Inside Out” from Volume 8: The Threat Is Real, which might be the single heaviest Anthrax song ever and should be a staple in any “best of” conversation regarding Bush.

Head on over to Noisecreep to read and listen. Make sure you click those streaming links multiple times so John Bush gets a few extra pennies in his pockets just in case that Burger King voiceover gig ever kicks the bucket.

-VN

It’s been a doozy of a year for metal releases already, hasn’t it?

After the jump, the records I’ve been jamming the most so far that might or might not end up on my year-end Top 10.

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Where the hell does the time go? The year is more than half over already! Sheesh.

ANYWAY, here are, in alphabetical order, albums that have really knocked my socks off so far this year…

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MS Maniac Todd R. sent in a list on Yahoo of the 25 Best Metal Bands. Although the author opens the piece by attempting to explain away the very blurry line of ye old “is it or isn’t it metal” debate, any attempt at qualification is instantly rendered moot by the very existence of such a list. The only way you can really qualify a list like this is to say “these are my favorite metal bands,” otherwise you get into all sorts of sticky epistemological and ontological (Google them) traps surrounding how you can actually determine what words like “good” and “best” mean and how they can be applied to music objectively.

So… Aerosmith at #8? Jimi Hendrix at #5? Whatever, dude.

When will this silly listmaking thing die? Never, as long as there’s hundreds of you guys willing and ready to get your panties all twisted up in a bunch about it! Speaking of which, tell us what you think of the Yahoo list in the comments, as if you needed an invitation to do so.

-VN

Last week, Elise at Reign in Blonde wrote a piece entitled “TOP 5 SONGS I WOULD PROBABLY USE AS MY STRIPPER SONG.”

Improbably enough, this led to a stoned think-session where I came up with a list of the top five songs I would probably use as my own stripper song. ‘Cause I know you all wanna see me strip so badly.

Okay, here we go:

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Our friend Carlos Ramirez has posted a list at NoiseCreep of the “Top 10 New School Thrash Bands.” There are some really sweet bands on this list – Municipal Waste, Skeletonwitch, Warbringer, and Merciless Death all made the list – but I imagine many of you will be pissed by some of the exclusions (Lazarus A.D., Evile, etc.).

Check out the complete list, then come back and argue about it right here at “Fuck You” headquarters.

-AR

Our friends at SMN tell us that the folks at AOL Radio have compiled a list of the “10 Best Death Metal Bands” (note the lack of the phrase “of all time,” so, uh, yeah). I don’t think I can get behind any such list that includes Six Feet Under but not Carcass; that being said, the other nine bands that did make the cut are all good bands, even if I’m not sure if they deserve a spot on the list.

Also, they selected each band’s “best album,” and I almost universally disagree with all of their choices (and please note that I said “almost” before you flip your shit).

Go here to check it out, debate about whether or not all of the bands are really death metal or not, etc. Or, better yet, just fight with one another about it in our comments section below. It amuses us.

-AR

Our friend and 21 Best Metal Albums of the 21st Century… So Far contributor Carlos Ramirez of Noisecreep has compiled yet another useless list so you all can argue, flame, and make snap-judgments on each others’ lifestyles and values (aka another day in the MetalSucks Haterade Mafia) based on musical tastes. Today’s list du-jour harks back to a time when high-pitched singers were all the rage and picks the best of that era. Though the list doesn’t actually bother to classify the top ten high-pitched singers of all-time in order, the fact that OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE _____ ISN’T ON THIS LIST should be plenty for ya’ll to get all hot and bothered about. If you ask us, Nitro’s Jim Gillette’s inclusion on this list is all that matters.

-VN

Now here’s a list for ya:

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Noisecreep have unveiled their list of the Top 10 Death Metal Debut Albums (although the list is in no particular order), courtesy Friend of MetalSucks, Carlos Ramirez.

And for once, I don’t actually have any complaints. The list is pretty good.

That being said, I’m sure you folks will find something to bitch about, so… have at it!!!

-AR

When @AlishaThrashion tweeted from the Music As a Weapon tour stop in New Jersey on Wednesday that there was a Hasid in the moshpit, I responded with what any skeptical Jew like myself would: “pics or it didn’t happen.” And within a few minutes, I had the above in my inbox.

Pretty awesome (moshpit dude, if you’re reading this — you rule). Metal knows no religious boundaries! So I got to thinkin’… what are some funny Music As A Weapon-related puns we can connect to Jewish themes? (For those who don’t know, your editors are Jewish, so we can make these jokes guilt-free). Bands on the tour are Disturbed, Killswitch Engage, Lacuna Coil and Chimaira. Examples:

Gifiltefish Engage
The Impossibility of Kvetching
Alice or Just Shvitzing
Down With the 10 Plagues

Winner gets some cool posters and stickers in the mail. Go!

The fine lads and ladesses over at Roadrunner Records have compiled a list of the Top 50 greatest metal frontmen of all-time for you, me and everyone to endlessly argue over (like, seriously: we still get comments on a daily basis on our ages-old posts about Metal Hammer’s Best Death Metal Songs of All Time list and Rolling Stone’s Best Guitarists of All Time list.) What’s interesting about Roadrunner’s list is that in the interest of journalistic integrity all Roadrunnner Records artists have been excluded from the list. How ’bout them apples? The editors of the list also took care to point out that this is a list of the greatest “front-men,” not “singers,” an apt distinction indeed.

After the jump, Roadrunner’s entire list. Followed by your comments.

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I haven’t read an issue of Metal Hammer since 2006, when they did that awesome Kerry King bloodpack cover for the 20th anniversary of Reign in Blood. It’s not that I don’t like Metal Hammer – it’s just that there’s no American version, and, honestly, it’s kinda costly to buy imported magazines. But my point is this: I’m not really in any position to talk about the state of Metal Hammer as a whole. I can’t tell you that’s it great or that it sucks, because it’s been three years since I purchased an issue.

I mention this because the magazine’s German edition just did a reader’s poll to determine the best death metal songs of all time, and I find the list kinda weird. I love Arch Enemy and think “We Will Rise” is about as good a melodeath anthem as we’ve had thus far in the 21st century, but is it better than songs by Carcass, At the Gates, or Opeth? What am I to make of a list that puts Job for a Cowboy and All Shall Perish above Suffocation?

See the complete list (along with the voting percentages) after the jump. Of course it’s entirely possible that some douche bags just kept voting over and over, thereby tipping the scales, but, still, I thought it was worth having a good ol’ fashioned debate over.

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