I don’t know what to say about this tour that you wouldn’t be able to guess I’d say if you read this site on a regular basis. Black Label Society are boring and all their songs sound the same and Zakk Wylde seems to be going out of his way to prove my thirteen year-old self wrong and demonstrate that, yes, there is such a thing as too many guitar squeals. And Phil LaBonte can’t sing, and that’s a problem when half your songs require you to do just that. So, uh, yeah.

What I can tell you that I’ve never told you before is that Hail the Villain, the world’s 72-millionth Verb the Noun band, are pretty bad, too. Take, for example, their song “Runaway.” Now, this would be a fairly generic radio-friendly alt-metal song one way or the other, but it happens to be doubly offensive because it proves that Hail the Villain (who will hitherto be known as “H the V” for the sake of my developing CTS) do not know how to spell good. The spelling of the song’s title would suggest that the band is concerned about the fate of someone who has fled his or her home, but the words to the chorus are, “When I say ‘Go’/ run away, run away” — “run away,” in this instance, being two words, because you don’t “runaway” from someone, you “run away” from them.

Also, I dunno if they’re all wearing contacts in the video for the song, or if whatever is going on with their eyes was done after the fact in post-production, but either way, it’s dumb.

In any case, if you recently pledged a frat and would like to attend one of the stops on this tour, dates are after the jump, courtesy of Metal Injection. It looks like Rev Theory are playing some of these shows, too, just to make them extra-not-worthwhile.

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If you don’t understand what that headline is a reference to, you’ve probably got the intelligence of the average fan of said band. And you probably believe in real-life transformers, characters from Street Fighter and the planet Nibiru.

Elsewhere, Deicide had a solid first week while Motorhead and Crowbar had solid second weeks on the Soundscan charts. Let’s check those out and see what else was poppin’.

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Let’s pretend I wrote an intro and put it here and now you’ve read it and we can move on.

First up we this snow filled day we have Mychildren Mybride’s video for “Jonathan Davis” — err, sorry, “King of the Hopeless” — which debuted on Metal Injection.

At first I was like, “Wait, haven’t I seen this video before?” And then I was like, “Wait, I HAVE seen this video before!”

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I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

First up “Rules for Fools,” from Tankard. This band is German, so, of course, they made a video about disciplinary action that attempts to be funny but is actually anything but. Was this filmed and edited entirely on an iPhone? Why is a beer loving metal band in a class with little kids? And why is that class being taught by Ramona Flowers? What the fuck is wrong with German people???

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I just saw Rev Theory in a magazine ad. They looked pretty ridiculous so I decided to look up their video, and, yep. They’re not good. I mean, I can think of far worse bands, but just because it’s less painful to shot in the brain than to get shot in the foot doesn’t mean you’d wanna get shot in the foot.

On the other hand, their video has busty chicks fighting. So there’s that.

-AR