Cinemetal

CINEMETAL ROUND-UP: THE “I GIVE UP” EDITION

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Let’s pretend I wrote an intro and put it here and now you’ve read it and we can move on.

First up we this snow filled day we have Mychildren Mybride’s video for “Jonathan Davis” — err, sorry, “King of the Hopeless” — which debuted on Metal Injection.

At first I was like, “Wait, haven’t I seen this video before?” And then I was like, “Wait, I HAVE seen this video before!”

And then I was like “Hey, remember when we sponsored a tour with Mychildren Mybride?” And then I was like, “Well, The Red Chord were the headliners, and you can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.”

Next up is Funeral for a Friend’s video, “The Rocking Chair on Axl Rosenberg’s Porch” — uh, that is, “Front Row Seats to the End of the World.” If this isn’t the most boring music video you’ve seen today, well, you haven’t watched the other videos in this column.

Next is Rev Theory’s video for “Justice,” because I lost a bet and my choices were either post this or not kill any MetalSucks Mansion Monkeys for twenty-four hours. When you watch this clip, just think: “Somebody somewhere thought that this was a better use of money than feeding starving children.”

Next comes “Strain” from Skullshifter. The director’s intent with this video was apparently to make sure that no viewer could ever tell what the fuck was going on under any circumstances. But that works out pretty well, ’cause it seems like the band’s intent was to make sure that no listener could ever find the “mute” button fast enough.

Next up is Moniker’s video for “From the Grave.” Folks, this video is absolutely terrible, and it is easily the best video in today’s round-up. And it gets even more slightly-less-painful if you watch it while listening to something that isn’t the music it contains. So feel free to turn off your computer and just go play in traffic now.

Next in the queue is Sacred Steel’s video for “Carnage Victory,” a phrase, it’s worth noting, that doesn’t actually mean anything. But that doesn’t matter, because if you’ve been stuck on a desert island without any metal since 1981 and just got rescued yesterday, well, this is going to blow your mind.

And so, in conclusion:

-AR

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