THE HAUNTED’S PETER DOLVING: “DO WOMEN IN THE UNITED STATES REALLY DOUCHE?”
“So Stateside, once again. It’s great being back in the US.
“I got no clue what’s to make of it all this time around. Got no crazy expectations but something that’s been keeping me curious for a couple of years is this: Do women in the United States really douche? I mean really? I need to know, for some reason I really need to know. You know, if they do — that’s pretty fucking orthodox.
“Why would a woman in her right mind do something as completely cuckoo as flush her insides with anything else than at most plain water? If that… I mean what’s the deal here? The Poon Tang — that absolute miracle of nature. That wonderous beautiful thing that can hold and nurture new life and let it out. That can make men and women shiver and moan. That can smell and taste like fresh honey or old fish all depending on whether she is fertile right then and there or not. The Pussy Is Go! OK?
“But no. It’s like some folks have the idea that a woman’s vagina is some putrified unclean and detatched entity in need of purification from its own unholy mucus-lined nastiness? Hello?! The fact that the human body cleans itself may have illuded these people who must actually be picking up those little ‘hygiene’ kits you see on the shelves next to Tampax economy packs and panty protection. In Europe douching is filed under the ‘special preferences’ section at the adult video store, together with beastiality and rubbing feces all over yourself. And is more commonly in practice by sex workers attempting to avoid STDs. OK?
“All that stuff that teenage girls freak out about anyone seeing in their panties, that ain’t no stains o’ shame. That’s what the female body does. Just use a new pair of panties everyday. But nooooo. Instead it’s the parade of panty ‘protection,’ panty ‘liners’ etc. It’s allright you know — just buy more panties and wash your thang. Well, that’s how I see it…
“Alright, so I buy the kink argument, the potential BDSM side of it all, and sure, I have all the understanding of trying to wash away having had someone inside you. Someone you really might not have wanted there in the first place. But the others?
“Really, get with this — people who so fear the human body that they need to irradicate the sheer truth of it all — true champions of all that’s wrong with this world. Decimating it all to some level of non animalistic, antibacterial nutcase ritual. Defying all that is nature. These people are truly utterly fucked and fucked again. Living in perpetual fear, of smell and taste. Silently condoning extreme overweight due to lack of healthy diets and exercise. Promoting anorexia and bulemia by participating in selling the lie of the idealized superhuman. Promoting looks and achievements so twisted it’s beyond words. Willfully misinterpeting natural senses as wrongful, and drowning them out, burning off recognition of the animal in us all. Cashing in on the pointless dream of human success through material wealth and superficial beauty. One word folks — ‘Jikes!’
“I’m not even gonna get into botox, implants and surgical removal or correctional surgery of the labia… Fuck all that bullshit.”