The 101 Rules of Death Metal

  • Axl Rosenberg

1. Be brutal.
2. Don’t be gay.
3. Any one who isnt brutal, is gay…
4. Be gore.
5. Try and be brutal gore if at all possible.
6. H
ate powermetal.
7. Always end the name of your band with the postfix “Ation” (Suffocation, Immolation, Incantation, Tribulation, etc.)
8.If you can’t think of any name with “Ation” replace it with “Ment” (Enthrallment, Dismemberment, Abolishment, Cadaverment, etc.)
9. Ok, let’s say you still can’t think of any name…there’s still “Ence” for you (Abhorrence, Vehemence, Benevolence, Decadence, etc.)
10. Chances are you’ll end up naming your band Disgorge anyway.

Rules 11 through 101 after the jump.

11. Use the word “crushing” to describe things that are cool.
12. Hammers are cool.
13. The word OWN is the best word for any situation.
14. This owns.
15. Hammers own.
16. “Ruthless” is another good word.

17. Blast beats mean good drumming.
18. Never under any circumstances listen to Six Feet Under.
Don’t be Chris Barnes.
20. If someone asks you if you like Cannibal Corpse, only say Chris Barnes-era CC, but maintain your hate for him all the while.
Don’t you ever write satanic lyrics unless you are Glen Benton.
22. Be Glen Benton.
23. Hate subgenres, there’s nothing more than “Old School Death Metal” period.
24. Always claim to be Old School, even if you don’t know who Xecutioner were.
25. Tell people you lived to see the “Tape Trading” days even when you’re only 15 years old.
26. You already sold your “In Flames” albums along with everything that it’s not “Old School.”
7. Try to look really pissed in photos.
8. Always look at the camera, but your face must be pointing upwards or downwards.
30. Use a lot…and I mean a freaking LOT of Breakdowns in your music.
31. Jump whenever you hear the main riff of “Hammer Smashed Face.”
32. Don’t you ever… EVER… listen to Melodeath.
33. Hate Melodeath by any means.
34. Melodeath is totally gay.
35. You have Heartwork in your CD collection.
36. Heartwork was the first Melodeath album ever released.
37. Therefore you’re gay.
38. Then you seriously hate Swedish Death Metal…
39. Swedish Metal is totally gay.
40. You have the entire Unleashed collection.
41. Unleashed is a Swedish Death Band.
42. Therefore you’re gay.
43. You still hate bands like Dark Tranquility and In Flames.
44. That doesn’t mean you’re not gay.
45. Erik Rutan mastered your record.
46. You were never a kid.
47. You were born an adult.
48. Have no sense of humor.
49. Pee outside the can.
50. Eat nothing but read meat and things that make your body fat.
51. Be fat.
52. Try to be extremely fat.
53. If you’re not fat you are Trey Azagthoth.
54. Hate Black Metal.
55. You only use Black Metal words (like “Necro”) to name your band.
56. You only like Philip Anselmo for being a member of “Necrophagia.”
57. You maybe still respect Thrash Metal bands like Pantera and Metallica.
58. Pantera used to be Glam Metal and Metallica released a Nu-Metal album.
59. Therefore you’re gay.
60. There’s no way possible for you to escape gayness.
61. Anything not ruthless or brutal is gay.
62. When your mom asks you to take out the trash, smash her face with a hammer, and rape her infront of your sister, then exhume a corpse and have a threesome with it and your mother.
63. Suffocation must be worshiped and copied no matter what.
64. Hate new Slayer.
65. Denouce Slayer as not an inovator of deathmetal at all…
66. Secretly love Slayer.

67. Do a Slayer cover.
68. When in doubt say “BRUTAL DEATH METAL!”
69. Smash crossess
70. You’re not trying hard enough to be brutals
71. Having a girlfriend is gay, it makes you less brutal.
72. Say you love Cryptopsy, but hate all albums besides None So Vile.
73. You can never have enough Carcass clones….
74. Sing about outragous gore and why God sucks…as much as possible.
75. In fact…gorey deaths of Jesus are what you should sing about, so sing…
76. The low end of the bass is never too low, infact it could be even heavyer, tune down another step.
77. When asked what deathmetal stands for say “DeathMetal is the soundtrack to societys end, mankind is useless, its the raw essence of nature and its brutality!” when the real reason you listen to it is blastbeats and funny lyrics.
78. For some reason, you must accept SYL as deathmetal
79. Keep your hair long even if you’re going bald
80. Say American deathmetal sucks even though most European bands are just ripping off the American bands
It’s okay to like Napalm Death.
82. Rap is gay.
83. Wiggers are the enemy.
84. Hate punk.
85. Seriously, hate punk, and anything else weak.
86. Feelings other then that of rage, the will to commit murder, or brutality are not true, nor are they brutal.
87. If you cry, you are not DEATHMETAL.
88. Only admit to liking a few Slipknot songs when drunk.
89. Pretend members of your family apprecaite deathmetal at 3 a.m.
90. Insist on talking to uninterested parties about deathmetal and assume they understand what NUMETAL means, what blastbeats are, and care why Morbid Angel crushes.
91. numetal is fucking gay.
92. Seriously, ever heard the band Staind? Slap Aaron Lewis’ bald head with a hammer.
93. Greet only with Hail.
94. If someone is especialy brutal say “HAIL MOTHERFUCKER.”
95. Entrails are fun to sing about…
96. In addition to hammers and guts, chainsaws are also fun fun.
97. Never use the term “fun fun.”
98. Say you want to fuck Angela Gossow, but hate her music.
99. Dont be Chris Barnes, seriously….
100. Say your favorite band is Death, but never listen to them.
101. Make sure you’re dumb and loser enough to write 101 rules for Death Metal, in other cases, be dumb and loser enough to read 101 stupid phrases about Death Metal.

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