Are Five Finger Death Punch really big enough to headline already? I can’t believe that At All Cost are at death’s door, but people are buying FFDP albums like their lives depended on it. I mean, just look at that photo. If that’s the not the very definition of “recockulous,” I don’t know what is.

In any case, this band, which someone more clever than me once referred to as “nu-metalcore,” will do their first headlining run starting next month, with In This Moment (Who wants to bet the singer wears a blue dress for these shows?), Bury Your Dead (breakdown breakdown breakdown), and Another Black Day acting as support. I don’t know Another Black Day, but otherwise that pretty much sounds about as appealing as being set on fire, getting that fire put out by letting Maria Brink piss on me, then getting set on fire again, and finally being dropped in the ocean and drowning.

I’m saying I think I’m gonna skip this one.

I’d post tour dates for those of you that are actually interested in attending this show, but there’s lots of better of things I can do with my fingers, like seeing how many of them I actually shove up my ass at once.

No word yet on whether or not tickets will come with free migraine medicine.


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